It's a Katie and Suri clean sweep on the front of all three Kiwi gossip mags this week. Lots of you must love reading about Scientology's chosen alien.

Tom Cruise is known as a control freak and his parenting style is no different. Although Katie's converted to Scientology, Woman's Day reports that Mrs Cruise is having doubts over the religion's whackier rules for raising children.

Is Suri being groomed to be the face of Scientology? I don't know why Katie's surprised. Surely this was all somewhere in her contract, whoops, I mean, romantic wedding vows.

Apparently Nicole Kidman put her foot down when it came to the weirder side of the religion, but she never converted. I think something seems wrong with those two anyway. They're a little bit Stepford.

New Idea has Suri calls the shots in the Cruise household. She may be but a toddler, but due to Scientology parenting rules allowing children to do 'what they want, when they want,' girlfriend is already a little diva. The mag reports she sleeps when she wants, eats when she wants, walks wherever she wants, and Tom gives her everything she asks for. Sounds like bliss, if you could eliminate the Tom factor.

The couple has almost been married for a year, and the Weekly reports things are going so well that Tom can't help but choke up when asked about his young wife, before blurting out 'she's magnificent' or some equally over the top remark. Sometimes 'fine' does just as well, Tommy.

Their one year anniversary plans are said to involve eating pancakes and ice cream in bed, a bit of a fall from the grandness of their Italian wedding. But oh so wholesome! All they need now is a white picket fence, an affectionate Labrador and a son called John Boy.

Watch out for the Torimonster! Physically, Tori Spelling checks all the stereotypical boxes required for the Hollywood starlet - slim, blonde, fake boobs. But there's something off-kilter about her that I can't quite put my finger on. She's f-u-g-l-y and she ain't got no alibi. And don't even get me started on that puckered boob job.

Anyway, Tori's back in shape after the March birth of her son, Liam, and isn't shy about showing it off. "For the first time in my life, I had to diet," she chirps. Does anyone actually believe that? It's up there with Paris Hilton's 'I've only ever slept with two guys' story.

The Queen's nephew, Viscount David Linley, has been named as the victim of a sex and drugs blackmail plot. Excitingly, it's the first blackmail attempt made on the family in over a century!

The item in question is a video of a royal aide snorting cocaine from an envelope marked with Linley's crest, and reportedly confessing to performing a sex act on the Viscount, who's married with two children. Hello, it is the Royal Family. The original scandal peddlers!

Linley's lived a relatively quiet royal life, but successfully sued a tabloid in 1990 when it accused him of being rowdy. Well that's that, then. But it is always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

Gossip man David Hartnell has released his 26th annual Best and Worst Dressed List in the Weekly, and I'm concerned he might be losing his sight. He says Pippa Wetzell has 'exceptionally good taste,' but the garish animal print blouse she's wearing in the accompanying pic suggests otherwise. As do the many shiny blouses she wears on breakfast TV. Brooke Fraser also makes the women's list. He obviously wasn't watching the day she came into our office dressed like Axl Rose.

Shelton Woolright apparently makes the grade for wearing a hoodie under a suit jacket, while Hartnell saves some venom for Shelton's ex, Miz Nicky Watson. "I'd rather be struck by lightning holding the wrong ticket than look at her wardrobe," he snipes. Give a girl a chance, Dave. It must be hard to clobber together an outfit when you're used to wearing no clothes at all.

While NW runs the rampant rumours that Angelina Jolie could be back on drugs, due to her skeletal form, the others say there's another Jolie-Pitt bun in the proverbial oven. How she could get pregnant while looking so unnaturally thin is confusing - but Nicole Richie managed, so what do I know?

A picture with baby Z does look suspicious, especially a bulge of such size on an otherwise skinny Minnie, and the Italian press ran rampant after Angie cancelled an appearance at a humanitarian benefit for personal reasons.

There's also talk of marriage, with the Day reporting that their nuptials would 'give their children confidence knowing that she and Brad are united heads of the family.' Makes them sound like the Corleones. Imagine! Angie would be a great matriarch, and if you crossed them, you'd end up with a horse's head in your bed. Actually, that sounds more Tom Cruise's style.

Meanwhile NW quotes a blind item in a US gossip column which asked 'Which diva's enviable bod has changed for the worse? She's got a heroin habit. It's so rich to find this out knowing how utterly benevolent our do-goodin' broad happens to be of late."

I heard that was Pamela Anderson, but whatever. Ironically, Pam's further inside the NW with rumours that she's addicted to coke, crystal meth and booze.

Yes, Angie is looking beat in the accompanying photos, but she's also on the set of her new movie in LA - so there is a fair chance she could be made up and in character. Give it three months. I bet that gut of hers is no bigger than it is at the moment, trust.

Millie Holmes opens up to the Woman's Day and must have some story to tell over a six-page spread. The recovering P addict looks really good in pictures relaxing at her Auckland home, and speaks candidly about her court case, how she slipped into a cycle of drug abuse and her plans for the future.

Stealing from her family, her $1000 a day habit, trying to cover up her addiction with a routine of skin products and healthy eating...it's the stuff an E! True Hollywood Story is made of.

Millie is now actively pursuing a job in print media. Go on Woman's Day! A celebrity kid on staff is just what the doctor ordered.

Cate Blanchett is pregnant, Heather Mills is unhinged, Gwen Stefani's seen out with a mystery man, Britney has a new set of lips and Renee Zellweger is out in New York looking like she lost a fight with a pot scourer.

And as if Owen Wilson doesn't have enough problems to go on with, word in the New Idea is that he's dating a fellow Texan blonde, Jessica Simpson. The pair met on the set of a Willie Nelson video last month and apparently have been going on dinner dates in Santa Monica..

Run, Owen! If anything would drive a person back to having suicidal urges it'd be having to put up with Jessica Simpson's inane questions. Having Papa Joe Simpson lurking around 24/7 wouldn't help either. It's bound to be uncomfortable when your girlfriend's dad won't stop staring at her boobs.

And that's all from the mags this week!

Is there a story you enjoyed in this week's mags? Any thoughts on the week's goss? Let me know below.