I am no expert on designer clothes for two reasons. First, I don't have enough money to justify buying them. Second, I don't really care about clothes enough to try and justify buying them. Shoes, well, they're another matter. I have the inclination but not the funds. But if you check my wardrobe (and most Kiwi girls, if we're honest), you'll find a distinct lack of designer labels.

One person who certainly wouldn't convince me to part with my cash for designer duds is Victoria Beckham - which is why the news that designer Giorgio Armani is set to pay Posh Spice twelve million quid (around NZ$35m) to model his underwear is so weird. Armani, you might recall, is the man responsible for getting Posh's husband into his jocks and hanging the resulting advertisements from high-rises around the world. With pleasing results.

Now, this is all sorts of wrong. Never mind that Armani seems to be the man solely responsible for dressing 29-year-old Katie Holmes like an old woman.

I don't hate Victoria Beckham. Sure, she doesn't eat, but that leaves more food for me. Every time I've seen her on TV she seems quick, self-deprecating, and even seems to smile quite a bit. She knows her limits, and understands the role the paparazzi has in keeping her famous. But would she motivate me to buy knickers? No.

And there's the difference between her and her husband. Men and women all over the world want to see David Beckham in his undies. No-one wants to see Posh in hers. She may be fashionable, but girlfriend is not sexy. I can imagine her in knickers. She'll look like a lace-clad praying mantis with a massive pair of hooters.

Add this to the fact that Victoria is notoriously paranoid about showing her stomach after three pregnancies and three caesareans, and I doubt Posh's ads will set the world on fire. I guarantee those ads will hide her belly, and it'll be interesting to see how.

The results of Victoria's photo shoot will appear on billboards and print advertisements from early 2009.

"Victoria is a style icon," Armani told the Daily Mirror. I think maybe all that long-term tanning has affected his brain. Victoria is a stylish woman, sure. But wearing clothes as they're made and as the designer intended does not a style icon make. Audrey Hepburn and Kate Moss? Yes. Posh? Sorry, but no.

And as a Thursday afternoon treat, I've attached a picture of Becks in his underpants. You're welcome.

Everybody love Jessica - sort of

Charge your glasses, y'all. Sounds like Jessica Simpson has finally caught a break - or on further investigation, perhaps not. After a lukewarm but much-hyped movie debut in The Dukes of Hazzard, Jessica's dreams for a movie star career have rapidly landed on the trash heap following crappy movie after crappy movie.

I turned her ‘comedy' Employee Of The Month off on a plane back from Sydney, preferring to stare at the seat in front of me for two hours than watch that flick. It was dire. Her remake of Working Girl, Blonde Ambition, was just as bad and opened on just eight cinema screens in Jess' home state of Texas.

But there is a little light at the end of the tunnel.

Her latest flick Major Movie Star, (tagline: The Few. The Proud. The Blonde.) about a big screen star who joins the Army in the hope of changing her life, has hit number one at the box office. In Russia.

Two staples of Russian life may be vodka and caviar, but this shows there really is no accounting for taste.

Next up for the flick, reports FOX News, a premiere in Bulgaria. A release date for any English-speaking country has not been set.

One of Major Movie Star's many producers? Jessica's pervy father, Papa Joe Simpson. Away with you, Papa Joe! I really think he's the hoodoo on his daughter's career.

Much ado about something

Turns out not everyone thinks it's hilarious to call up an old man and badger him about his granddaughter's sex life.

After causing controversy at the U.S. MTV Music Video Awards a couple of months ago (a performance which I actually thought was pretty funny) hairspray-loving comedian Russell Brand has resigned from his radio show on BBC2.

Brand and co-host, BBC golden boy Jonathan ‘Wossy' Ross, have been publicly chastised after calling 78-year-old actor Andrew Sachs, who played Manuel in the awesome Fawlty Towers, and cackled on for nine minutes into his answerphone about Brand "f**king his granddaughter."

Which would be silly, but possibly forgivable in the heat of a live broadcast. But the call was taped, edited, and replayed later on in a move which showed the two comedians considered it a) really funny; and b) not really offensive.

The British public, normally quite chilled about these sorts of things (Little Britain, anyone?) did not find it funny. After 27,000 of them complained to the BBC about the nature of the call, Brand has apologized and resigned from his GBP200,000 deal. Ross has apologized, but is more reluctant to let go of his six million quid a year.

The girl in question, Sachs' 23-year-old granddaughter, Georgina Baillie, is part of an exotic dance troupe called the Satanic Sluts and appears in photos on her MySpace page with masking tape over her nipples. She's done the nasty with Russell Brand three times.

Still! No girl wants her granddad to know the ins and outs of her sexy time - and he probably wants to know about hers just as much as she'd want to know about his. Unpleasantness all round.

This isn't a bad move for Brand. Odds on another station will snap him up pretty soon, and if not he's got a foot in the door in Hollywood at any rate.

Moral of the story: Don't mess with Manuel. I hope, should he ever get the chance, that he spits in their soup.

And as an aside, is it wrong to find Russell Brand a little bit hot?

Spotted

Naomi Watts shopping at Whole Foods in the East Village, New York...Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson taking the subway in Soho, New York City...Gwen Stefani and two-month-old baby son Zuma at the Beverly Hills public library...Jennifer Lopez shopping for furniture in Los Angeles with pal Leah Remini...Minnie Driver in a very mini-dress just two months after giving birth to son Henry in LA...Princes William and Harry on the red carpet at the world premiere of the new Bond flick Quantum of Solace...