And so, without further ado - the latest!

The NW reports Guy Ritchie as longing for a normal relationship and ruing the "three-ring circus" his marriage became. Now I'm no expert, but surely if you want a normal, run of the mill relationship you don't marry Madonna?

To the New Idea. The mag reports the couple spent eighteen months in separate beds, the singer banned dairy, fat and sugar from the kitchen, (that would be my last straw) and that Guy resented Madonna for their combined turd of a movie Swept Away.

Madonna, on the other hand, is on the offensive and "plans to paint a picture of Guy as an emotionally crippled gold digger who's verbally abusive."

But Guy isn't taking their split lying down. The mag reports he's ‘not prepared to tow (sic) the line any longer and he struck his first blow by describing sex with his Isla Bonita as ‘cuddling up to a piece of gristle.' His ‘Isla Bonita'? Did they decide that Material Girl was getting a bit old and decide to jazz up Madonna's nickname, or does Guy Ritchie bizarrely refer to his wife as his ‘Beautiful Island?'

Maybe she owns a beautiful island that he wants in the settlement.

There's a horrendous photo of Madonna's arm in the Woman's Day! I am serious. Seeing that ropey, sinewy old thing is almost enough to make me never want to work out again - yeesh! Check it out for youselves if you're game enough.

The Day says she's offered Guy more cash if she can ‘dictate access rights' to their three children. Hmmm, can anyone say ‘control freak?'

This report is probably the juiciest of the lot. He calls her "just a singer" and believes she "is deluded and lives in a fantasy world - particularly when it comes to her age." He also infuriated Madonna by "hitting out at her acting ability." No jury in the land would disagree with him there, Madge.

The Weekly says Madonna refused to eat anything when they were out on romantic dinners, sticking to her strict diet, while Guy called her beloved Kabbalah ‘mumbo jumbo'. They've spelt Kabbalah wrong too, which is bound to enrage Her Madgesty.

NW's big story which made headlines around the world last week, is that Jennifer Aniston's got back together with John Mayer after discovering she was expecting his baby. Truth, or bullpucky? Jen certainly won't be distressed over the mummy to be publicity, although latest goss has her dining out with 300 star Gerard Butler in Los Angeles.

More interesting is the NW's report that Jen has had another male bedfellow since her split from Brad Pitt. He's 12. He's furry. He's her corgi mix, Norman. But Norman doesn't get to sleep on the fancy sheets of a TV celebrity, no sir! Jen sleeps cuddled up close to him - in his dog bed. Making the comment that her love life really has gone to the dogs all too obvious - but there! I said it anyway.

Speaking of the Pittster, New Idea runs with him on the cover and the tantalizing headline ‘Brad Breaks Down'. It's accompanied by a picture of the formerly fanciable actor with a grey-flecked beard, bags under his eyes and a deeply furrowed brow. Hello! The guy has two three-month-old babies and six kids under the age of eight. I'm surprised he's still standing.

No sooner were twins Viv and Knox out of the birth canal than babymama Angie Jolie is talking of another baby, while Brad's filming with Quentin Tarantino, has a new movie in the works, and is involved in charity projects from New Orleans to Ethiopia. Yawn! Makes me tired just thinking about it.

The family's ‘draining nomadic lifestyle' has become too much for Brad apparently, who rarely gets to sleep for more than an hour at a time.

Paris Hilton's in London, to the delight of the Americans and the despair of the Brits. The celebutart's been prancing round town wearing a sweater with a sash printed on it saying ‘Royal Highness'. Royal doucheness, more like.

Paris is not one to cop on when her welcome's worn a bit thin. NW says the London "in-crowd have given her the cold shoulder," and the latest people to be over Paris are Kate Middleton and Chelsy ‘make mine a double' Davy. The royal significant others are unimpressed with the bimbo heiress for trying to cosy up to their fellas on a recent night out.

The Woman's Day leads with tales of said night out at hot London club Whisky Mist, and reckon William gave Paris his phone number and email. I heard he gave her the royal brush off - read last week's report here .

The Day's headline story reports that they chatted about TV and music, he poured her bubbly, and Paris proclaiming that she'd "really love to meet Wills' Gran."

Can you imagine the conversation?

Paris: "You're like, totally hot for an old lady."

QEII: "Please don't touch one's hand."

The Day says William was quite the ladies' man that night without Kate by his side, and his ‘playboy ways' involved popping over the same night and introducing himself to Christina Aguilera - who was there with her husband by her side. Oooooh, womaniser.

"If Paris felt she could land the future King of England as her beau, I'm afraid she'd leave Benji high and dry," a source tells the mag.

Paris has revealed a yearning to move to London permanently, but I wouldn't worry too much. It'll probably go the same way as her boasts that she was buying a hybrid Hummer (no such car exists) and her plans to start a halfway house for parolled female prisoners (never happened.)

The Weekly reports Benji, The Other Madden twin, was busted flirting with ex-fiancee Sophie Monk in New York recently. Could his relationship with the Hilton be on its last legs? I bet Nicole Richie's hoping yes!

The Weekly reports on the hot fashion credentials of Suri Cruise. Let's not forget the child is two here, people, while still dressing like a wealthy forty year old. But damn, she is one cute toddler.

Apparently the littlest Cruise "has an innate sense of fashion" and know exactly what to wear whether she's going for a cutesy look to a funky ensemble. Maybe she'd be the ideal judge on Project Runway? I'd love to see throw a tantrum for Tim Gunn.

Suri's wardrobe boasts handmade Christian Louboutin shoes and clothes by Burberry and Dior. Her haircut costs $1500 a pop. She's also the seventh highest-selling face for celebrity weeklies in the United States. Ha! You know Eva Longoria is sitting in the corner, crying softly that ‘me and Tony' stories don't sell as well as tales of a two-year-old's new shoes.

Jonah Lomu is snapped in the Woman's Day carting the groceries home in Wellington with his pregnant girlfriend. He's much bigger than her, so I hope he carried the bag with all the cans.

"The sporting great is so besotted with his latest partner that on a recent trip to Wales he had an oversized "Nadene" tattooed in ink on his left forearm," the Day reports. Jonah, Jonah, Jonah. There's the kiss of relationship death right there. Did he learn nothing from Charlie and Denise, Johnny and Winona, and Angelina and Billy Bob?

Katherine Heigl is making plans to adopt a Korean baby. Beyonce has renamed herself Sasha Fierce. No one knows exactly why, but I suspect she's letting out the drag queen within. Shia LaBeouf has a heated toilet seat. Nelly Furtado got married in July - and nobody cares. And Katie Holmes is snapped wearing a horrid, Aladdin-esque white satin jumpsuit in the Weekly.

"If you don't put gas in your car, it's going to stop. And if you don't put food in your body, you're going to die." - Gisele Bundchen enlightens us all. Thanks, Gisele.