Suck on that, Denise Richards! Not only was the news out in the tabloids this morning that Denise's ex, Charlie Sheen (who she once referred to as having ‘hooker infested tranny sperm') and his new wife are expecting twins, but his rep confirmed this afternoon that they are also much longed-for boys.

That's really got to rip Denise's knickers.

Brooke got one up on her on the double delivery, and both babies will boast willies! Denise and Charlie have two young daughters together from their fiery three year marriage, and Charlie has another daughter in her twenties.

It almost goes without saying that the catalyst of one of Hollywood's ugliest divorces must be well miffed that her ex has found happiness, and a new family, while she's stuck at home with rather large hair, a whole lot of dogs and an E! camera crew. Just wait for pap snaps within the next week or so of Denise with a ‘new man' or Denise with a ‘baby bump.'

It's probably best if D-Rich doesn't read the article People's running about Mr and Mrs Sheen today, which bandies about a lot of adjectives like ‘joy' and ‘thrilled' and ‘glowing' which are bound to enrage her further.

Hopefully her Dad, Irv (the only voice of reason in that crazy ass house!) can talk some sense into his daughter before she does too much damage to her Charlie and Brooke voodoo dolls. Or goes and eggs his house. Or puts his number in the gay personals, or something equally mature.

What am I saying? This is Denise Richards. She's probably enraged with fury and giving Irv the beatdown as we speak. He'll take it like a man, I'm sure. God bless you, Irv Richards! You're a American hero.

She'll be cursing out Charlie, Brooke, Brooke's mother, Heather Locklear, the guy that made Wild Things, Jesus, Buddha, Oprah and Eva Longoria Parker (just threw her there cause I don't like her!) Blame it on Eva, Denise.

By the by, is anyone else thinking twins are getting a bit passé in Hollywood these days? Just because Angelina and Brad spawned the Holy Duo, everyone has to run and get themselves a bit of double trouble. Even Hef has that pair of skanks on his arm. Oooh, I better not say that too loud, they might bottle me. All the way from LA! The long arm of the skank.

Buongiorno, Beckham

It won't be all poolside frolicking and daquiris on the deck for David Beckham in the US football off-season. The news is out that the 33-year-old footballer will spend his downtime playing for AC Milan for several months from January, in an attempt to boost his chances of retaining his place in the English side for their World Cup qualifiers.

Sounds great on paper, right? English footballer is back playing amongst the best in Europe, while fashion-obsessed wife gets to hobnob amongst the most chic women and in some of the best designer boutiques in Europe.

Except that word is Victoria won't be following him to Italy. In a surprising, but sensible move, Victoria will stay in Los Angeles with the couple's three sons, who are settled in school there.

Hmm, you do remember what happened the last time Victoria wouldn't follow her husband to a European city for footballing purposes, don't you? Posh stayed in England while David went to Madrid, giving Rebecca Loos a prime opportunity to get her grubby mitts on him. Allegedly. Allegedly.

So you'd think Victoria would be a bit more suspicious of her hot hubby and the Milanese women - a whole city full of gorgeous, exotic, Italian creatures. Some even with a bit of meat on their bones.

As an aside, do you think the revelation that Guy Ritchie found sleeping with Madonna was like "cuddling a piece of gristle" struck a chord with Posh at all?

Baby on board?

Rumours abound that the most famous dumped woman in America, Miz Jennifer Aniston, could have had a serious reason for reuniting with douche-y ex John Mayer. Buzz is (apparently started in the latest NW, I'll bring you details next week) that the almost 40-year-old Friends star reunited with her ex when she found out she was expecting.

Normally getting knocked up to someone you went out with for three months is not a good idea. I don't think it's a particularly good idea in this case either, but the scent of Jennifer's desperation wafts from Los Angeles right across the Pacific, so maybe more traditional parenting practices have gone out the window.

Naturally, pictures thus emerged of the normally ab-tastic actress sporting a little belly in LA, but Aniston's diet is so rigid that could be put down to a plate of pasta. Everyone's a winner! She'll be stoked with talk that she could actually be on the mummy train and John Mayer gets his mug back in front of the paparazzi lenses.

Thing is, I don't believe it. Do you? For all we know it could be a cruel hoax thought up by Maddox Jolie-Pitt.

And as a parting note, Princes Harry and William, riding across South Africa on motorbikes, have the royal runs. That is all.

Spotted

Carrie Underwood checking out a waxwork of herself at Madame Tussaud's in New York...Katie Holmes walking through the Big Apple with a chipped tooth... ‘Uncle' Karl Lagerfeld and Kate Bosworth avoiding food and striking a pose at a Chanel event in NYC...Penelope Cruz looking great in black at the London premiere of Vicky Cristina Barcelona...David and Victoria Beckham leaving Japanese restaurant Nobu in their SUV in LA...Hugh Hefner and identically dressed twin girlfriends Karissa and Kristina at a signing of a book about the Playboy founder in Hollywood...Keanu Reeves club hopping in London...