Trouble in toothy paradise? Is there a molar full of malaise afoot? It often puzzles me how Tom Cruise keeps a hold of one woman - and the idea of two seems too preposterous to entertain. So the headline ‘Katie's Jealous Rage over Tom's Other Woman' on the front of the New Idea sounds rather ominous - but fear not, Cruise fans! If there are, in fact, any of you left. Tom's not cheating on his Robobride.

The other woman who's got Katie's knickers in a knot is none other than Lee Anne DeVette, Tom's sister.

"She's not his mistress, but in a way it's worse," reports the mag. 

Explain how! Does she give him a wedgie, steal his pocket money, and dress him up like a doll?

If you don't remember, Lee Anne was Tom's publicist a couple of years ago and made a big, fat hash of the job - she was the one in the driver's seat when he was jumping on Oprah's couch, chomping those big gnashers from Louisiana to London. He bagged out Brooke Shields for her post-natal depression, claimed he could get drug addicts off heroin and called people who decided to challenge his beliefs ‘glib.'

Tom's popularity took a nosedive, and Lee Anne, sister or no sister, got the chop.

Since then Katie looks like she's aged two decades and big sis Lee Anne is back taking care of her brother's business affairs.

Katie's reportedly annoyed with herself as much as her sister-in-law, for allowing Lee Anne to slip back into her husband's inner sanctum while Katie's been in New York, preoccupied with making her Broadway debut.

Curiously, Tom doesn't even share Katie's NY apartment when he's in town - he stays at the Carlyle Hotel ‘over 63 blocks away.'

I know it's Tom Cruise, but does that strike anyone else as rather bizarre?

In an infuriating twist for Katie, it's only mere months since Tommy Girl's mother Mary Lee and other sister Cass moved out of the couple's Beverly Hills mansion - they had been living with Tom since 2001. Yes, a forty-something bajillionaire still lived with his mother. Yes, with his new bride and baby Suri.

Michael Douglas is snapped on holiday in Italy and looking a bit worse for wear in the Day, while on holiday with Welsh wife Catherine Zeta Jones. I suppose that's to be expected when the old pepaw is aged about one hundred and fifty. I still have my doubts about that wife of his claiming to be in her thirties as well, but then I am the suspicious kind.

While the Day quotes Mrs Douglas swooning at how good the state of her eight year marriage is, the New Idea reckons CZJ may have a touch of the green eyed monster as Michael takes a new movie role as a sex addict. I'm assuming it's a fantasy film.

Kate Middleton has turned over a new leaf! Or so says the Woman's Day. Apparently Miss Middleton has decided to find something to occupy her time now that a potential royal marriage would have to wait until 2016. Seven years away! And they've already been dating about seven years? Fourteen years? Eff that.

There's something to be said for keeping your eyes on the prize, but that's ridiculous.

Kate isn't a happy girl about town since stories of her ‘job-shy' ways have been spreading. To combat them, she got a job...with her mother. Word is she turns up at 9am and "often without a lunch break." Forget wages, wow! That girl should be getting a sainthood. And a medal.

"She is now slogging it out around the clock at the firm, where she is in charge of the firm's website and has become a ‘key executive.'"

Does she mean a ‘keyboard executive?' Like a keyboard jockey, right? Or is it rather like the gas station guy calling himself a petroleum transfer engineer?

The fact that she is so busy and important must be why she was snapped on her cellphone while driving last week - which is illegal in the UK. Shame on her as-yet untitled name!

The Madonna-Guy divorce smut is getting more juicy by the day, but you won't find much dirt in the Day's spread, or anyone else's, on the split. Too close to deadline, guys?

Suddenly this Madonna (not Jesus' mama, you understand) wants to make out like she's a saint.

He says: she's a control freak obsessed with a weird religion. She says: he begrudged her the limelight, didn't want to adopt again and refused to move to New York.

Head to the British tabloids online if you want the real dirt, like the quote from Britain's Daily Mail where one of Guy's friends blabs that the director told him sharing a bed with hard-bodied Madonna was like "cuddling a piece of gristle."

When douches reunite! The Day has pics of John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston back together with a pap-snapped photo of she looking lovingly at him and he looking lovingly at...the camera. Pervy old man face! I swear, if cameras had feelings that one would be suing for sexual harrassment. He is such a publicity whore. Why didn't he hook up with Eva Longoria when he had the chance?

I don't know why so many famous women find him attractive! If you do, please enlighten me.

‘How I Bonded with Paris Hilton' - Amber Peebles winged her way to Los Angeles for the MTV Video Awards and hobnobbed with the rich and famous. She got up close and personal with Paris Hilton, and has the pictures to prove it. See them in the Day, and then pray for Amber.

I hope they gave her a flea bath or some such when she came back through customs. Get MAF on the case. We don't need Paris' super strain of cooties round these parts.

Forget about John Key, Helen Clark, Barack Obama and John McCain. The person running the publicity campaign of her life is Miss Britney Jean Spears, who's quite a way into her ‘I'm okay. No, really, I am,' crusade.

Girl's got a new number one single, she's smiling again, and for the first time in years her hair doesn't look like it was dipped in a vat of beer swill and old chip fat. She's back to wearing bad clothes, instead of no clothes! That's gotta be something, right?

We all hope she's well, but let's not count our fried chickens before they're hatched.

So what really happened to Britney? Turns out the girl herself doesn't really know either, and you'll read it in OK.

"I sit there and I'll look back and I'm like I'm a smart person - what the hell was I thinking? I've been through a lot in the past two or three years, and there's a lot that people don't know."

Her Mum points the finger at Britney's breakup with old JT. "I wish they would have parted ways differently, rather than to hurt each other and leave all those scars. It wasn't healthy for either of them."

Spot Hugh Jackman (does anyone else think it sounds like his name makes out that he has a ‘Huge Ackman'?) and Nicole Kidman on set of their epic movie Australia, in this week's OK mag. The movie's due out at the end of December.

Keith Urban often visited his wife on the set in outback Queensland, and ‘how romantic the pair had been in their downtime became evident when Nicole announced she was expecting their now three-and-a-half month old daughter, Sunday Rose.'

All together now....ewwwwwww.

Jessica Simpson is the cover girl of this weeks' NW with the headline ‘Love Made Me Fat...and I've Never Been Happier.' Judging by the ‘after' shot they've selected her love also made Jess shun makeup and adopt Wynonna Judd's wardrobe.

I don't know if it'd be love that made her fat. More likely she went from eating nothing to something. They do mention those two words forbidden to the modern day Hollywood starlet (but luckily not to the modern day Auckland bird!) ‘pizza' and ‘beer.'

"The loved-up singer doesn't care what she looks like now she has her supportive star athlete by her side."

Bless!

Why does Nicole Richie hate Paris Hilton? Let us count the ways. Actually, I've got other things to do with my afternoon, so let's just say it involves Nicole's former fiancé DJ AM, a best friend of ill repute, and one sordid night in Canada.

Further in the mag, Nic and her fella Joel Madden are snapped looking as happy as Larry out in LA. Word is Joel is helping round the house, while formerly "sarcastic and rude" Nic thinks before she speaks so it doesn't come out "as bitchy or snarky."

Ah, children. I love it when you play nice.

Turn to the back of the New Idea to see the disturbing decline of Kenny Rogers, from bright-eyed and bearded to tight-faced and squitty-eyed. Looks like The Gambler's gamble didn't quite pay off.

"I really loved my husband's penis. It was really pretty."

- Pink has an unconventional take on the end of her unconventional marriage.