Paris, who once thought London and the UK were different countries, is in England filming a British version of her US reality show MY BFF, where she fools mortals stupid enough to apply into believing that she could actually be bothered being friends with them.

Who has to audition for friends on TV, anyway?

Her original BFF was Nicole Richie, until Nicole got a life. They've supposedly made up since, but does anyone else find it suspicious that two friends dating a set of twins are never seen out together?

Anyway, The Hilton's been circulating round London for a while, and earlier this week found herself at newly hip nightspot Whisky Mist where Christina Aguilera and her husband were chilling out along with a right royal contingent - Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie and Princes William and Harry.

Paris presumably thought that being large in the foot and light on brainpower was her in to charming the English princes in the club's VIP area, and tried to work her ‘charm' on Harry. No bites. Word is Paris carried on with her jibber jabber and, when that didn't succeed, even tried dancing ‘sexily' in front of him to try and get his attention. Can you imagine her trying to turn on her sexy charm? I picture an underfed flamingo in a bad weave with all the allure of a bad bout of diahorrea.

So did Harry, apparently, because he high-tailed it soon after Paris played her the trump card in her hand of seduction. Just as well, because not long after his missus, Chelsy ‘Absolut' Davy turned up. Paris thinks she's a party girl? She hasn't met our Chelsy. Can you imagine the beat down that would have occurred if Chelsy had caught Paris trying to crack on to her ginger prince?

Girl grew up in Zimbabwe - guarantee she could fight like a wildcat.

Unperturbed, Paris moved on to the heir to the throne, who was without girlfriend Kate Middleton but in the company of a very engaging blonde. Paris plonked herself next to the pair and tried to join in on their conversation. No luck. Apparently he did offer pleasantries but was up and away seconds later, leaving Paris on her lonesome.

I think that just made my week.

Madonna and Guy: Round 2

It's only been a day since the news broke about Madonna and Guy Ritchie calling time on their marriage but already the details are leaking and the media is having a field day.

The latest word is that despite hiring a hot-shot lawyer, a worthy adversary for Madonna's high-powered Fiona Shackleton, Guy doesn't want ‘a penny' of his wife's money. He was independently rich before they got married and apparently isn't interested in Madge's cash.

We'll see.

What the real issue is in this split, according to some of the UK papers, is kids over cash. Madonna wants to move back to New York and take their three children with her. Guy, an Englishman through and through, hates the idea of his kids being raised so far away from him, and away from England, and wants them to stay in the UK.

Crunch time at the end of the Ritchie marriage supposedly came last week when Madonna issued her husband an ultimatum, to move to the US with her ‘or else.' He refused to bend to her demands - supposedly what she once found the most attractive about him - and that was that.

Word is also that she's telling the couple's mutual friends that they can't stay friendly with both of them, and they have to choose which sides. Which is a rather mature way to deal with things, but not a surprise from one of the biggest control freaks in showbiz.

This may prove quite a pickle for people like Sting and wife Trudie Styler, who set the pair up, and Gwyneth Paltrow, whose husband Chris Martin has become good friends with Guy. Apparently this divorce is Gwyneth's ‘worst nightmare' - and she's not even getting divorced!

She's full of surprises, that one. I would have imagined Gwyneth's nightmare to be something like accidentally wearing clothing from a chain store, or ingesting something full fat.

Reunited and it, er, feels so good

Brace yourselves, people. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back together, and this pair of shameless publicity whores (who value their privacy, of course) want the world to know it.

They both get something out of this romance the second time around. John gets paparazzi following him around again and a crowd to listen to his inane musings. Jennifer gets to give up that final shred of her dignity. It's not a bad thing. It probably weighed a pound or two anyway.

The couple dined out at a members-only LA restaurant this week and were back in full couple mode, the second such spotting in a week.

But not everyone's dancing in the stands over this one. Jen's friends - Courteney Cox, her husband David Arquette - and several close pals, are reportedly upset she's got back with John are they're pretty sure this relationship is heading for Dumpsville once more. They've got their money on a split before Christmas. Care for a wager?

Spotted

Katie Holmes, wearing spots, leaving her New York apartment to head to the opening night of her Broadway play, All My Sons...Good-looking couple Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber strolling through West Hollywood...A tired looking Helena Bonham Carter walking home from the school run in London...Angelina Jolie, in a white dress, arriving at a New York TV studio to appear on The Today Show...Russell Crowe eating breakfast al fresco in the LA sunshine...A pin-thin Victoria Beckham flogging her jeans at a Dusseldorf department store...