Jamie Lynn is seventeen, and new daughter Maddie is only four months old. You'd imagine one teenage pregnancy would be a bit of forewarning to mind yourself when it comes to future sexy times, but perhaps not. Those Spears girls must be one fertile bunch. Big sis Britney gave birth to her two sons, now three and two, within a year of each other.

Jamie Lynn, bless her heart, fell for that ‘it's impossible to get pregnant right after you've had a baby' chestnut. Your sister's experience would seem to suggest otherwise, JL. And you'd imagine you'd have a condom handy just in case?

"She and Casey have only made love a couple of times since Maddie was born, and she's in shock that that's all it took."

I'm in shock at Casey's terrible, terrible hair. There's some kind of a major forward fringe going on which really troubles me. How one woman, let alone two, could want to hook up with that walking atrocity of a haircut, I don't know. Or is that how they do it down on the Mississippi/Louisiana border?

NW claims that Jamie Lynn had already kicked her pipefitter fiancé out of their new home after rumours that he was a) after her cash and b) has been continually cheating on her, and that she'll be raising two babies as a single teenage momma. Her own mother, the long-suffering and daughter-pimping Lynne Spears, is reportedly furious. While trying to flog the story to the highest bidder, I bet.

New Idea leads with the scandalous tale of Prince William ‘torn between two women,' and forced to choose between true love or family ties. Why not choose both? It is the royal family after all. I kid, I kid. Don't come after me with the guillotine.

Apparently Kate Middleton is on the outs with Wills' cousin, Princess Beatrice, who thinks Ms Middleton has got some ideas way above her station. Word is Bea was less than friendly to Kate at a recent charity fundraiser, and dissed Kate's sister at a fashion show.

"Bea understands that Wills and Harry are boys, so they'll inherit the crown. But she'll be damned if she's going to have the glamorous role of princess taken away from her by some girl whose mum was a trolley dolly air hostess!"

Go Bea! What would be the point of being a princess if you can't throw your weight around? There would have to be some upshot to standing around at state functions, wearing dowdy shoes, and having to smile for people you don't like.

NW runs this week with the secrets of the A-list diets. Which aren't very secret at all. More depressing, if anything. It seems you too can rock a bod like your favourite celeb if you work out like a fiend, eat only tiny portions of fish, egg whites and lots of lettuce, and never so much as look at a cold glass of vino or a French fry. No, don't even think about them. That's calories too. You just got fatter.

Word is Jennifer Aniston drinks five rhubarb smoothies a day. Vegetarian Sophie Monk was ‘sprung giving in to a craving for fried chicken recently'. Bizarre behaviour for a vegetarian, no? Although maybe she's the ‘all animals are animals except for fowl and fish' kind of vege. Then she's allowed to partake in the Colonel's goodness.

She wouldn't make a friend out of Jessica Alba, who's lost a stupendous amount of baby weight in a ridiculously short time with the attitude "after working out, eating fried chicken is a little counteractive." Yes Jess, but we do it anyway. You stick to celery.

This week's ‘stating the obvious' award goes to the Woman's Day with their cover story on St Angelina of Jolie: ‘Life with 6 kids is chaos.' Hmm, you think?

The latest on America's favourite family is that Angie considered giving up work, and then decided for the good of us all she would continue with life as a movie star. All the mags are plastered with photos of she and he at the premiere of her new movie Changeling, and she looks gorgeous. Ridiculously so.

Six jetlagged kids might be more than a handful - an armful perhaps? In just over a week the family has been spotted in New York City, New Orleans and arriving back at Nice airport in France, and possibly heading back to their rented Berlin home where Brad's working on Quentin Tarantino's new movie Inglorious Bastards.

The mags also have shots of mama Angie, Zahara, Pax and Shiloh out and about in New Orleans. I love that she feeds her kids Cheetos (like our Twisties) instead of food blessed by nuns and purified by holy monks high up in the Himalayas. Or L.Ron Hubbard (not to be confused with Dick Hubbard!) brand cereal, like Suri Cruise must get of a morning.

Everyone's wondering how Angelina got her body back so quickly after birthing twins, but she's keeping mum on rumours of a tummy tuck and saying simply that she's breastfeeding and that she ‘has an exercise regime.' Hmm, I've an exercise regime and I certainly don't look like that.

The Jolie-Pitts pretty much grace every weekly mag, so take your pick as to which one you want to peruse and pay the appropriate level of worship to their fabulousness.

Millie Holmes is engaged! Woman's Day breaks the happy news! To whom, you might ask? That would be Connor Morris, the guy she was arrested with on drug charges a couple of months ago.

"Connor is a kickboxer and son of a patched Headhunters gang member known as ‘One Eye'" reports the mag.

I can just see Paul Holmes mixing it up on the wedding reception dance floor with the Headhunters.

Life isn't all toothy grins and declarations of love for Tom Cruise, reports the NW. Tommy Girl is cursed with a not-so-rare but very un-movie star like affliction - sweaty pits.

Dilly dallying with word play, the NW reports that Tom is ‘plagued with persistently perspiring pits,' ruining his constant need to "look impeccable." Meanwhile, the New Idea has a snap showing that Connor Cruise has adopted his dad's douchey habit of wearing sunglasses at night.

His sister, according to the mag, has a rebellious streak. "Bella's not really one to just follow the pack blindly," a friend explains. "She likes to blaze her own trail, but that makes her cool." She used to have blue streaks in her hair. This week in the New Idea she sports a brave pair of banana-coloured trousers.

Catherine Zeta-Jones looks horrendous in the back of the Day! And I don't use that term lightly, cause I think she's beautiful. Normally. Attending a UN gala in NYC, Catherine sports large pores aplenty and orange blush topped off with a few chin spots for good measure. Whoever she hired to do that makeup job should be forced to watch Michael Douglas' naked ass in Basic Instinct on a continual loop for their crime. And then see it as it is now, with 16 more years' worth of droopage. That'll learn ‘em.

Victoria Beckham likes to rub bird poo on her face. George Clooney has grown a mo. And Jennifer Aniston holidays on her own, and proclaims her life is boring. With rhubarb smoothies every meal of the day? Say it ain't so!

Now, movie stars may lead a charmed life, but some still have their crosses to bear. Spare a thought!

"In French, ‘LaBeouf' means ‘beef'...'Shia' is a bad four-letter word in French. So the literal translation of my name is ‘Shit the beef.'

- Shia LaBeouf got hit with the bad end of the naming stick.

And that's all from the mags this week!