Today the court has released what's called the ‘Statement of Decision', which sounds official, but basically dishes the dirt on the fight over Roan between Stone, who's been getting crazier by the year, and her newspaper editor ex-husband Phil Bronstein.

The judge pretty much calls Sharon out as the Heather Mills of mothering, saying she's a hypochondriac and a bit of a fibber when it comes to parenting.

Stone claimed her son had a problem with his spine, despite no evidence to support her allegation and, more disturbingly, was keen for the boy to get Botox injected into his feet because they get smelly.

"As Father appropriately noted, the simple and common sense approach of making sure Roan wore socks with his shoes and used foot deodorant corrected the odor problem without the need for any invasive procedure on this young child."

Sure, smelly feet is a reason to break up with someone. But to jab your child? I didn't even know Botox could conquer foot pong. Mind you, this is also the woman that left her kid sleeping in the back of the limo while she ate out at a London restaurant. And let one of her sons and the nanny slum it in economy on a plane trip while Lady Sharon of Crazytown sat in first class.

Stone argued that she had put her career on hold to care for Roan, something the judge and Bronstein disputed. Hey, I dispute it too! If she really cared about her son and the good of mankind as a whole she wouldn't have made that piece of trash Basic Instinct 2. We would have all been better off.

"If Mother has, in fact, limited her career to make herself available for Roan, she has done little to make this evident to Roan, his school or this Court," the document states.

Scary thing is Sharon has two other sons, Laird and Quinn, who she adopted after her divorce from Bronstein, so unlike their older brother they're left at the mercy of their mother.

I bet Sharon's out there somewhere right now, trying to get a hold of that Komodo dragon from yesteryear to get that nasty judge.

Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the radio

Lord, have mercy on our ears! Paris Hilton's new song ‘My BFF' has hit airwaves in the US. Appropriately it's the theme song to Paris' reality show ‘My BFF,' her search for a best friend, which hits American airwaves soon. Her former best friends - the mirror, the video camera, and the herpes medication - are all depressed at being cast aside and are going to form a Facebook support group.

In the new show 18 douchebags (down from a staggering 300,000 applicants) all squabble for the right to follow the Parasite around telling her how fabulous she is, only to be dropped like a hot potato once the cameras stop rolling.

Now I'm nothing if not brave, and exposed my delicate ears to Paris' new tune with the goal of reporting back to all y'all. It's kind of mean to give all the credit for this tune to Paris, when it was mostly written by That Other Madden Twin, whatshisname, and performed by the synthetic voice machine.

Imagine the sounds of a pink cyborg with a large weave and you'd be pretty much there in terms of vocal stylings. This song is the Diet Coke of pop music. It's sickly sweet, which kind of makes you want to barf, but it's got a horrible synthetic aftertaste. Then after you drink it (or listen to it) you get an immediate and sudden case of regret and vow never to do so again.

Hilary Duff would look down her nose at this song. Hell, so would Miley Cyrus! Only ten year olds could like this. Actually, that's kind of mean to say about ten year olds. They don't all live in a fantasy land of tiny dogs and nasty fake hair.

I'm sorry Miz Jackson

Misfortune has frowned upon the littlest Jackson, Janet, and a mysterious illness has seen the singer hospitalised in Canada, forcing her to cancel tour dates in Montreal and Boston. At least, that's the word from her camp.

An alternative (and bitchier!) source tells Perez Hilton that Janet's cancellations had more to do with exhaustion than medication. "A 42-year-old body can't handle what a 22-year-old body can. I can tell you that she's definitely tired. She is doing back to back, three hour shows, and her body isn't the same as it used to be."

Girl, go have a word with Madonna. She's got eight years and two kids on you and is still thrusting away on stage like she's cock of the walk.

It hasn't been a good week for Jay-Jay. The singer and her tiny bearded boyfriend, Jermaine Dupri, were celebrating his 36th birthday in New York not long ago with a group of pals. Jermaine decided to party a little too hearty and after large amounts of champagne and tequila (a nasty combination!) he decided better out than in and proceeded to puke in Janet's lap.

It happens. Some skin to puke contact can actually bring a couple closer. I puked on Regan once, and look at us now! Happy as bugs in rugs. It wasn't a chamquila cocktail though. Let's just say Venezuela. Food poisoning. Puke out van window. Blowback. That is all.

Say it ain't so!

Somewhere out there there's a bottle of fake tan and an industrial sized tube of foundation weeping sad, silent tears.

The UK's Daily Mail reports that our favourite tanned twosome, Katie Price and Peter Andre, are close to calling it quits on their three-year union. I suspect there's not enough available mirror space at home for the both of them, and Katie keeps stealing all Peter's lube.

But the paper says it's Pete who's tiring of life as Mr Price, as his big bosomed wife is constantly putting him down and tries to make him look like a dumbass in front of their friends. Sadness!

To be fair, he has totally ridden her coat tails since they got together, but he's also given her two kids. I'd say beautiful kids, but I'm not one to exaggerate. And don't give me that ‘all babies are beautiful' malarkey. Take a look at little Princess Tiaamii and you'll see what I mean. Neither of them are a patch on the original Price child, Harvey, anyway. I want Harvey and Maddox Jolie to be friends.

That video of Harvey telling Peter to 'F**k off' still cracks me up. How does he know to say what we're all thinking? It's a true gift. Click here to watch.

Peter's even talked about splitting with Katie on the pair's reality show, Katie and Peter: The Next Next Next Chapter. "One day, unfortunately, we will go our separate ways and we will probably be happier, but at the moment we're working hard to make this relationship work," he said.

Spotted

Fergie (the redhead one, not the Black Eyed Pea) hawking her newest children's book, Tea for Ruby, at Borders in New York...Paris Hilton shopping in Beverly Hills dressed up the nines and looking thin in an electric blue dress...Uma Thurman, rugged up against the London weather, taking the kids to school with fiancé Arpad Busson...Winona Ryder shopping with a girlfriend in LA, incognito under a hat and sunglasses...Geri Halliwell and Emma Bunton waving to fans at the Pride of Britain Awards at South Bank, London.