The Day reports that Tom and Katie have Hollywood's littlest diva living in a virtual world of isolation. Ditto the New Idea which has almost the exact same cover story, down to some identical quotes and Suri dressed in the same colour. Their cover photo of the glummest Cruise is too much!

Sadness.

Both report that the littlest Cruise spends all her time with adults and a vast collection of toys and dolls, but no real friends. "According to insiders, the isolation is due to superstar Tom being "very picky" about other people's children."

Suri also longs for a pet, but Tom doesn't want a cat or dog "jumping up on Suri's designer dresses."

How finnicky! Maybe a day at Angie and Brad's filthy chateau would do the girl good. She could prank call Jennifer Aniston with Maddox, Zahara could steal her snacks and Shiloh would force her to fight for toys. She'd come home covered in dirt, hair dye, and chip dust. It'd toughen her up no end.

NW asks ‘Is Katie Cheating?' on their cover, and accompanies the story with photos of Mrs Cruise daring to walk down the road with a man.

Why does Katie dress like a New York matron who's no stranger to the gin martini? This troubles me. Katie is my age and I could search high and low before I'd find one of my friends out during the day sporting a sensible old lady haircut, a shiny blouse and woollen slacks.

She's been "sneaking coffees with a stranger," that the crew of her Broadway show All My Sons call ‘Mr X.' Good for her! Word is Mrs Cruise has got a bit of her old spunk back after moving cross-country and away from the all seeing eye of Xenu - I mean, her hubby.

Thankfully the Weekly tacks down a different path with their cover story, boasting newsreader Bernadine Oliver-Kerby and her cute as a button daughter Maisie.

Is Chris Cairns the Jonah Lomu of cricket? Fresh off the back of a marriage split, the sportsman has a new girlfriend on his arm as he completes his epic 1001km trek through New Zealand, and pics are in the Weekly.

Apparently there's a new and improved Victoria Beckham round the place- and it's not just her haircut that's got everyone talking. Word is Vic is enjoying life in the U S of A so much that it's changed her fundamental DNA - she's cut back on shopping, taken up working out, and is even eating carbohydrates! And she's buying second-hand clothes!

Is that a sign of the Apocalypse? I know, I'm scared too!

But don't start atoning for your sins just yet.

To make up for the fashion-conscious crime of having toast for breakfast our Posh is running 6km a day.

Victoria may have the silhouette of a praying mantis and the appetite of a baby sparrow, but I kind of like her. As least she knows what she's got and doesn't have ideas beyond her station. She hasn't embarked on an acting career. She knows everyone hankers after her hot hubby. She fully admits that the paps keep her profile high and her attitude is that the press attention is part and parcel of being a celebrity rather than a scourge on her well-heeled lifestyle.

Interestingly, NW reports that Madonna's recent Sticky & Sweet show in London went a bit sour, and that her many celeb pals in the audience openly took the mick out of her.

Madonna started the show late and consequently ran over time, leaving the restless crowd without public transport links home (a real pain in the arse in London).

Kate Hudson, Fergie and Penelope Cruz, in town to film the musical Nine, were spotted alongside Madonna's bestie, Gwyneth Paltrow, "openly laughing at her flesh-baring wardrobe and age-defying routines."

Oooh, I wouldn't cross Madonna. All those arm muscles must mean she's got a nasty right hook.

If you need some humorous fiction for your week's reading material, the Weekly has a wee story about Heather Mills where the ex-Mrs McCartney seems be still be living in a fantasy land. And is it a coincidence that her ex-husband and his new girlfriend Nancy went public that very same week? I think not!

Among the gems: "Do I have lots of men hitting on me? Always! It's very flattering."

"I've had nothing but very warm support from the public through all this. No-one has ever said anything nasty to me. Once when I was with Beatrice in a playground in Brighton, a young woman threw her arms around me in tears, saying I was an inspiration to all women."

I think that may have been in a dream, Heather. You may be an inspiration to dedicated gold-diggers and compulsive liars, but the rest of us just kind of wish you'd shut your big word hole.

Now I don't have many standards, but when I saw the latest ad for Charlie's juice on tele yesterday even I actually nearly recoiled on the couch in shame. You may enjoy it, if three men prancing about in garish drag and acting ‘fruity' (the spot's punch line) is what you find funny.

If that wasn't enough, Woman's Day have an article from behind the scenes of the commercial's shoot at Auckland's Boogie Wonderland. Relive the trauma of Marc Ellis in bad drag with a permanent photographic keepsake!

"For anyone concerned the adventurous Sportscafe star and former All Blacks and Warriors hardman has crossed to the ‘other side' rest assured his latest incarnation is strictly for laughs," the mag reports.

Ellis' wife Agustina sourced the fake fruit "thinking it a small price to pay for her husband very publicly, albeit temporarily, turning gay."

Wearing tutti fruitti lycra and a fruit basket on your head doesn't ‘turn you gay. Neither does eating quiche or listening to Elton John. It's not the fifties, people.

Marc. You may be taking the mickey but this is an insult to fine drag queens everywhere! Please stick to what you do best, which seems to be getting your kit off on a regular basis and calling people 'mate.'

Have you seen the new ad for Charlie's? I'd like to know what you think.

Jessica Simpson has launched a new perfume, y'all. You may think it'd smell of barbecued ribs, hairspray and the scent of desperation, but Jess has a novel way of trying to hawk her product.

"When asked about the product by a US talk show host, class-act Jess revealed its added benefits," reports the NW. "You can get into an elevator and actually pass gas and you just don't smell it," she says."

No need, Jess. Mine already boast the scent of spring flowers and angel tears.

And that's all from the mags this week!