Is Cameron Diaz heading for the heartbreak hotel after a summer of love? NW says yes, and the mag boasts body language analysis of the star and her model boyfriend. An accurate science, as always. Apparently while Cameron has a case of the stage five clinger her boyfriend always looks like he's trying to suss out where the nearest exit is.

She bought herself a ring that adorns that finger, and the male model is living pretty in her $5m LA home. So he didn't have to splash out for a ring and he gets to live in a mansion and make out with a movie star. What's his beef?

Meanwhile, the Weekly reckons Diaz and the man dubbed ‘the British Brad Pitt' are talking marriage, so make of it all what you will.

Also not getting the hint is Tom Cruise, who merrily added some gel to his slicked back hair and has ignored wife Katie Holmes' pleas to be left alone in New York.

Katie's career hinging on success of her new Broadway play, and having Tom hooting and hollering from the audience and stealing the spotlight can't help. No wonder she's miffed. Mind you it's nothing girlfriend didn't sign up for, so boo sucks to her.

Britney graces the cover of the NW with her Lazarus from the ashes comeback, but then you know all about that unless you live under a very large stone.

More interesting inside the New Weekly is the story suggesting that Nicole Richie is pregnant again! I know she dresses with a bit of a sixties vibe, but must she also have a free and easy approach to contraception?

Read on, and you'll find that said pregnancy was apparently on purpose, and the mag seems pretty certain on it. But they also swear black and blue that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are engaged, a story backed up by none of the other mags.

If the NW's to be believed, parenthood hasn't assisted either Nicole or Joel in the maturity department. Finding themselves fighting over living arrangements and his life on the road, the quarrelling couple of almost two years decided that "a new addition was the way to fix things" since "it's baby Harlow who's kept them together this long."

Right. Fixing a failing relationship with the stress-free addition of a new baby is a stroke of genius! They'll reclaim their romantic spark seeing each other through red-rimmed eyes amongst dirty nappies and while being puked on.

Cue some pics of Nicole in high waisted skirts.

"When she showed him the pregnancy test they burst out laughing," the NW's source reveals. "His exact words were ‘Nicole and I only have to look at each other and she gets pregnant!"

In that case, Joel Madden, don't ever make eye contact with me. No, not even from a magazine. I'm turning the page on you as we speak.

Turn said page and you'll find fertile Joel hanging out in LA with Mischa Barton, a gal pal of Nicole's who got friendly with the rocker while Nicole was away working it at New York Fashion Week. TheDay also runs this story and implies that the pair were up to some naughty business.

Impossible, I say. Nobody could be attracted to someone sporting such a travesty as Mischa's revolting hairband on their head. Blind people can even sense that thing's ugliness.

Update: Now I find out said hairband is from Mischa's own range of hair accessories she's designed. Note to self. Avoid like plague.

And as if it's not bad enough that Monday's rolled around again, gossip lovers are faced with a grim trio of domestic magazine covers staring out at them from the newsstands this week.

First up is Kate Middleton and the wedding no one knows about is off! William will spend the next 18 months training as a helicopter pilot in Scotland. I don't know why he couldn't do this as a married man, but apparently it's thrown all Waitey Katey's plans into a tailspin (Helicopter? Tailspin? See what I did there.)

The Day reports that William's father Prince Charles is supporting his sons plans to train with the RAF for the foreseeable future, but not for the altruistic reasons one might expect.

"If William was accompanied on royal duties by a glamorous young wife, who would be interested in Charles, now approaching 60 and Camilla, who is 61?" asks one of the Day's sources.

In the New Idea Temepara George leaves Townsville behind and returns to live with her kids. A responsible mother. A health-conscious athlete. Sigh! What's there to gossip about in this equation?

Next off the blocks is HC herself on the front of the Weekly. Helen Clark sports a fetching red neck scarf, part-line dancer, part-rootin' tootin' cowgirl. Giddy up, Helen!

Ah, there's a reason behind this neck accessory. The Weekly's Red Issue supports a campaign about awareness of heart disease in women. Our PM looks trim in a pair of white trousers and spills on how she "rarely eats finger food at functions, never eats chips and will often choose the vegetarian option on a menu."

An iron will, Helen. If we ever at the same function I guarantee I'll eat your share of the finger food as well as mine. I'm good that way.

Weyhey! According to the Weekly those holier-than-thou Jolie-Pitts aren't that perfect after all. Apparently their magnificent French chateau is equally as grand in the scale of filth. Turns out Angie and Brad aren't so hot in the neat and tidy department, and don't see why their brood of six should keep things clean either.

"Being clean and tidy is way down the list of accomplishments they want for their family," spills a source.

Within their walls you'll apparently uncover the remnants of toothpaste wars, the colourful dregs of Maddox's hair dye, milk souring, pizza rotting, and French flies throwing un party on the remains in the kitchen.

Call me uptight, but filth is not cool. I'm assuming they have an army of minions who clean up le mess, but letting the chips fall where they may, literally in this case, seems kind of wrong.

"When anyone tells them their kids leave a mess, they just laugh and say ‘We're the Jolie-Pitts, not the Von Trapps from The Sound of Music."

No, and I bet they can't sing so sweetly, either. Or boast matching ensembles made out of the curtains.

Pictures of Jonah's baby mama! And her tumma! The Day and the Weekly both have. They started going out in February. It's September, and she's five months gone. Between them the pair have three failed marriages and a couple of extra engagements thrown in the mix from Jonah's side. Good luck pushing that baby out, Nadene. Jonah is one big boy.

It's good to have achievements under your belt, and Eva Mendes has an interesting one, boasting that she's had sex in ‘all 50 US states.' For the record, the best was in Arizona and Colorado. "Maybe it was the clean air," suggests the frisky actress.

And that's all from the mags this week!