Sigh. Sometimes I long for a simpler time, when cellphones were the size of small loaves of bread, you didn't have to read how many sleeps left ‘til someone's holiday on Facebook, and Angelina Jolie was an offbeat starlet who loved knives, tattoos, and getting divorced.

Fast forward to nowadays and you can't get away from her (admittedly beautiful) mug on the front of the gossip mags during any given week. Angelina and Brad are like gossip crack. Beautiful, fertile, and rich, these two send the gossipmongers into overdrive.

This week Angie only graces the front of one of the big four - and whether or not you pick this particular morsel from the gossip buffet is entirely up to you. ‘Angie's Pain' the Woman's Day trumpets gleefully accompanied by a picture of Jolie, hand clutched to bosom. ‘How could they do this to me?'

Apparently Saint Jolie got wind of a planned meeting between her greying babydaddy, Brad Pitt, and his perky ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston, when both were in Toronto for the recent film festival.

Brad had no plans to get busy with his ex, but Angie had other ideas and gave the Pittster the what for in some trans-Atlantic phone calls. Knowing what was good for him, Brad ditched Jen without nary a text or a phone call, and fled back to France early. I would too. You don't mess with the most revered woman in showbiz. If you dare cross Angie I'm sure there'd be hell to pay. The skies would blacken and lightning would strike you down where you stood.

According to the Day Brad's been quite enjoying his work trips away of late, getting away from the caterwauling and shenanigans of six young kids and back into the land of cameras, champagne and celebrity.

A fine tale, but somehow I don't think Angelina is the kind of girl who sits there calling her boyfriend's mobile repeatedly of an evening with a fag in one hand and tissues in the other. Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, looks like a drunk dialler.

New Idea runs an almost identical story further in the mag, as does the Weekly. Jen's friends put the stiletto into her ex in the Weekly, suspecting that Pitt's brood of six may have been taking its toll on the one-time dreamboat. "He used to have ‘come-to-bed' eyes, now he has ‘go-to-bed' eyes, he looks like he needs a lot of sleep."

Meow!

As comes naturally when you're 22, have been dating someone for a matter of months and have no sperm readily available to you, Lindsay Lohan is planning for a baby - or so reports the NW from its front cover.

Lindsay and lover Samantha Ronson think a baby is just the thing to add to their greasy-haired, nightclub-laden world, and are planning for marriage and a baby by the end of the year.

Lindsay wants to adopt a baby from China and has apparently been shopping up a storm at LA's baby boutique to the stars, Petit Tresor. I don't know who would give a baby to a recovering drug and alcohol addict with several arrests under their belt, but I'd like to meet them, so I could give them a slap.

But, surprise! The star's intentions may not be quite so altruistic. Lindsay apparently wants to do "an Angelina" and hopes a child will help boost her public image.

The Day has an excerpt from Lynne Spears' book, which provides no dirt on her trashy family whatsoever. Lynne, dish it or ditch it, that's my motto. You won't sell diddly otherwise.

Britney's also in the Weekly on the back of her MTV VMAs victory last week. Did anyone else think that mega award-winning video for ‘Piece of Me' sucked? As did the song itself? Just me? Okay. Brit Brit looks a world away from last year's disaster, and her weave is the best it's been in about two years - but the long time tanning addict should maybe lay off the rays. She looks like she's been dipped in sweet and sour sauce.

Could Scarlett Johansson be preparing to ditch fiancé Ryan Reynolds? Her desire to lead a ‘wild, free and impulsive' lifestyle has the Weekly reporting that traditional marriage may be ‘too mundane' for the star. Does said lifestyle involve bongos, bongs, and a lack of deodorant? Maybe she should give Matthew McConaughey a call.

Watch out, Scarlett. If your engagement goes down the pan Woody Allen might think it's his big chance.

If you wanna read the latest hooha on Oprah and Dr Phil, then by the New Idea with the TV twosome on the front. I don't, so I won't bore you with the details.

Don't lead me on, Paris. The Day writes that the world's most notorious Hilton is planning to retire by the time she's 30. Is that a promise? Paris told a pal she has set a 2011 deadline to leave Hollywood stardom behind.

"Paris wants to go out on top. She doesn't want to grow old in front of the entire world."

So having sex in front of the entire world is sweet, but growing old in front of the camera isn't the done thing.

Posh Spice celebrated Romeo Beckham's sixth birthday at Universal Studios in LA last week, and there's pics in the New Idea. Little brother Cruz and my favourite celebrity offspring, Henry Klum Samuel, get into the festive spirit with their superhero costumes, but mummies Victoria and Heidi find it a bit more difficult to adapt to their surroundings. Thigh high skirts and stilettos look a tad overdressed for the fun park. Let's hope they don't need to do any bending over. Or is that why they brought Geri Halliwell along?

While she's certainly not everyone's cup of English Breakfast ("Camilla was once heralded as being the least distinguished potential Queen since Anne Boleyn," reports the Weekly), the mag counts the ways how CPB is Kate Middleton's royal role model in this week's cover.

Disturbingly the mag claims their respective fashion senses share ‘startling similarities.' Gah! One's only about 25, and one's 60. This is not good. Get Tim Gunn in there pronto, Kate, and make it work!

Both shy away from the idea of being Queen and are happy to play supporting roles to their royal partners while carryng out duties themselves.

"Camilla doesn't like the thought of it at all," says a source. "She'd much rather be at home with a gin and tonic in hand."

In that case it sounds like she'd also get on with Harry's other half, Chelsy Davy.

And in a world of hurricanes, a major credit crunch and Sarah Palin overload, please spare a thought for poor Catherine Zeta-Jones.

"The worst thing about having all these houses is when I have an outfit and I think it's going to look great with a certain pair of shoes, they're in Bermuda or Majorca."

My heart truly bleeds.

And that's all from the mags this week!