Ms Mills, branded a ‘liar' and a ‘fantasist' by her divorce court judge and ‘the biggest bitch on the planet' by her former PR flack, Michelle Elyzabeth, is reported to be working on a ‘novel' which she is shopping around British publishing houses in the hope of a GBP1m advance.

A bitch and a fantasist? Sounds like the crux of a Jackie Collins novel to me.

But of course, there's more to Heather's latest plan than meets the eye. The second Mrs McCartney was forced to sign a confidentiality agreement upon her divorce, meaning she couldn't breathe a word about life with the former Beatle. This, I'm sure, would have infuriated her loose lips no end.

But with the release of a ‘novel,' Heather's wily approach must be to tell the truth (I use the term loosely when it comes to that woman) about her marriage under the guise of fiction. Indeed, her novel is believed to be a rags to riches tale about a down on her luck model who falls for one of the world's most famous rock stars He has a beloved dead wife. She has some ungrateful stepchildren who don't warm to her no doubt irresistible charm. And in the end, it all ends badly.

If I got my way, she'd crawl under a rock and leave us all alone in the fiction and non-fiction versions.

And you thought your mother was bad! Spare a thought for little Beatrice McCartney, growing up with that woman.

Hollywood on bumpwatch

You all know she's not one of my favourites on the Hollywood radar, but Eva Longoria really is an idiot. There have been pregnancy rumours raging about the woman almost all year. Her boss, Desperate Housewives' creator Marc Cherry, has told the press that Eva is ‘desperately' trying to get pregnant, just a couple of months ago.

Now she tells a French media outlet that "I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat." Eva Longoria is one of Those Women. She knows she's not fat. She knows that you know that she's not fat. She just want you to tell her that she's not fat. And she's not fat. Meanwhile, all the people who actually are fat feel a little more down on themselves.

The actress claims she's put on weight, a whopping five pounds, over the northern summer to play her character Gabrielle on Desperate Housewives, now a frazzled mother of two children. Of course in Eva's mind, it seems every stay at home mum must be podgy and unkempt to be realistic. Er, tell that to mother of six Angelina Jolie!

But Eva has put on some weight. There's a definite bulge in the belly area, which is going to be apparent if you insist on going out wearing short, tight dresses. I've got my money on her being knocked up. She looks pregnant. She wants you to ask about it. And if she confirmed it she may have a few less cameras on her every day, trying to get the ‘is she or isn't she' baby bump shot.

After all, her good friend Mario Lopez admitted to People that the attention hungry actress "gets a kick" out of all the pregnancy chit chat surrounding her.

If Eva is pregnant, I wish her well. I just don't want to hear about every aching foot, medical checkup, case of heartburn or twittering on about Tony Jr. Deal, Ms Longoria?

Looking good, Posh

As I mentioned yesterday, I really love Victoria Beckham's new haircut. It's fresh, it takes years off her, and it was about time she ditched that long-term love affair she's had with the weave.

Her GBP400 haircut, nicknamed by the British press as ‘the Poxie' (I don't think any woman would want their new hairdo referred to as poxy!), was the work of New York hairdresser Garren, also responsible for supermodel Linda Evangelista's legendary short locks in the nineties.

Victoria, rumour has it, loves the change, and David's a fan as well - although he's only seen pictures of the new ‘do on his mobile.

Speaking of the family Beckham, pop's pure new saviours, the Jonas Brothers, have revealed that the three Beckham boys may be keen to follow in mum's pop star footsteps. Brooklyn (9) Romeo (6) and Cruz (3) apparently quite like the idea of taking a leaf out of the Jonas' book and forming The Beckham Brothers.

Mum keeps mum (sort of) on Britney

They led us on, people! After some juicy tidbits floating around the media, it turns out Lynne Spears doesn't spill the beans on her famous daughters' teenaged shenanigans in her new book Through The Storm: A Real Story Of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World.

Dammit.

UK tabloids (God love them, aren't they the best) were reporting that Lynne dished on daughter Britney's rise to superstardom, including losing her virginity at 14 and drug use at 15.

Probably wise she didn't, as after a year of estrangement Lynne and Britney are tight once more, with mama Spears telling the press the pair speak on the phone four or five times a day.

Lynne did spill in the book about the murky sounding warning Britney's old manager, Sam Lutfi, issued her mother with before the singer suffered a breakdown at the beginning of the year. Lynne alleges Lutfi was grinding up sedatives and slipping them in Britney's food and drink to keep her subdued. When she confronted him, the creepy hanger on replied with: "If you try and get rid of me, she'll be dead and I'll piss on her grave."

With friends like these, eh?

Eight months after a restraining order was issued on Lutfi to stay away from Brit Brit, the pop star is bright of eye and sleek of tresses, looking and seemingly feeling better than ever.

Perhaps Sam should crawl under that rock and join Heather Mills? Although I always though Britney's paparazzi ex Adnan Ghalib would be a worthy boyfriend for the ex-Mrs McCartney.