If you're worried about the world ending tonight, don't blame the big machine on the French-Swiss border preparing to smash a few atoms. The reason that civilization may be going to hell in a hand basket could be due to the fact that Naomi Campbell, the original supermodelus horribilis, has been making noises about becoming a mother.

I wouldn't let Naomi hold a baby, let alone birth one. Imagine being her kid! You'd live your life in fear of getting fat, looking unfabulous, or getting clouted with various diamante-covered technological gadgets.

Turns out the operation Naomi underwent earlier this year in Sao Paolo, Brazil, initially thought to be to remove a cyst, was to correct an obstruction to her fertility.

Call me a bitch but Naomi, I believe there was a reason for that obstruction. Your eggs got so scared at the thought of nine months incubating in an environment overloaded with diva tendencies and large quantities of rage that they erected a road block up in the pipes themselves. Like the guys who run the ‘Stop' and ‘Go' signs at road works. Sperm, ye shall not pass.

"I was not able to have children up until March," ET reports the model as saying. "Now it's in God's hands. I would love to have a family."

 

Looking fierce, ladies

Anyone else feel like they're watching a sequel to Zoolander looking on as Jennifer Lopez and a newly shorn Victoria Beckham pose off in the front row of the Marc Jacobs show at New York Fashion Week? I would quite like to see those two have a walk off to ‘Beat It.'

Ladies, I salute you. It must take long hours of dedicated practise in the mirror to get those sucked in cheeks and the angle of the arms just so. Every bit of sinew is straining towards posing perfection. And with J-Lo training for a triathlon and claiming to have no nanny for her twinsies, girlfriend doesn't have a lot of time on her hands. She should be congratulated for working the moves.

Never mind saying cheese for a picture. I'm sure even thinking about cheese is fattening in Hollywood. The Olsen twins say ‘prune' when they're posing for pictures to get their pouts just the way they like them. J-Lo is showing her ‘fashionably shocked' acting face off after seeing more dust fall off husband Marc ‘Skeletor' Anthony's bones. Posh uses this look when eagerly thinking about seducing her daily rations, a Smint and some inadvertently inhaled dust.

No, this isn't a Ben Stiller-Owen Wilson spoof. These ladies are serious. I think Victoria Beckham would actually rather depart this mortal coil than be snapped slumped in a chair with the hint of an extra chin and a belly roll showing. Look at her! She looks like a cyborg that moves only for the camera. Oh wait, that's her mate Katie Holmes. And substitute ‘camera' for ‘Tom Cruise's remote control.'

Victoria is much thinner than J-Lo, which she will obviously be thrilled with. She doesn't give a fig if Jennifer only gave birth seven months ago. And while I think Posh's new haircut rocks (she looks great! See, I can admit it), it troubles me exactly why her body looks like she's been washed in a bath of Fanta but her face is a completely different tone. What would Tim Gunn say? Surely her makeup artist could have found a suitable foundation in Halloween Pumpkin?

One cannot live by implants alone

There have been rumours for a while that all's not well in Hugh Hefner's lady harem. Yes, I know, how could three busty blondes simultaneously dating a playboy from the Stone Age ever be anything but harmonious? I'm as shocked as you are.

Whispers have said that Kendra Wilkinson, the youngest of the three girlfriends, has been offered her own reality show away from the Playboy mansion. Which is good news Hef's number one girl, Holly Madison, right? After all, she's been clinging to the pervy senior citizen like a limpet to a rock for the best part of six or seven years now. And suddenly her competition could be halved? Great success!

Or not.

Perez Hilton's been reporting that (shock!) not only has Holly been looking at houses in LA's San Fernando Valley, she's also been seen on more than one occasion flirting up a storm with man-jewellery loving magician Criss Angel. Blegh! I think I would actually rather do the business with Hef. Criss Angel is vile, and looks like he's been dipped in chip fat. Fortunately for him, his particular brand of guyliner is grease-resistant.

Spotted

Nicole Richie exchanging numbers with Damon Dash at a New York Fashion Week after party, after spending the day hanging with eight-month-old daughter Harlow...Michael Phelps surrounded by a bevy of bikini-clad beauties at the Palms hotel in Las Vegas...Natalie Portman, Charlize Theron, Tobey Maguire and Chelsea Clinton among the celebs who watched as Roger Federer beat Andy Murray for the men's US Open title at Flushing Meadow, New York...Kelly Brook out on a date with English rugby player Danny Cipriani in London...Naomi Watts, looking very pregnant, strolling in NYC.