Sounds like Lily Allen has learned one of the lessons every self-effacing girl takes to heart early in life: you don't mess with an old queen. And also you shouldn't get absolutely plastered while working - but hey! Who doesn't drink a cheeky mimosa out of their coffee cup once in a while, right?

Okay, just me.

Lily's always been known as a relatively lairy girl around London town. Not quite at the Amy Winehouse level (then again, who is?) but rather a loud, drunken mess of an occasion. But she seems to work hard and scrubs up alright of an evening, so it can't be all bad. Can it?

Until earlier this week, when Lily was picked to present the GQ Men of the Year awards in London with Sir Elton John. She turned up looking resplendent in a dramatic Dolce and Gabbana ball gown (gorgeous, but totally overdressed for the occasion), and things rapidly went downhill from there with the emergence of free champagne.

Ah, the free bar. The cause of, and solution to, all life's problems.

Little Ms Allen soon began effing and blinding up a storm, flubbing her lines and letting the business at hand fall by the wayside. A rapid decline! Check it out on Youtube to see Elton's face as Lily gets more and more pissed on stage. It's priceless! Girlfriend is miffed.

When Lily announced they'd come to ‘the most important part of the night,' her crooning co-host quickly quipped "what, are you going to have another drink?"

To which she replied "F**k off Elton. I'm 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!"

Says Elton, legendary for his addictions to alcohol and cocaine in the 70s: "I could still snort you under the table."

Lily: "F**k off. I don't know what you are talking about."

As an aside, the middle name the former Reginald Dwight gave himself when he conjured up the moniker Elton John was ‘Hercules.' Hee.

Allen also announced the arrival of her brother Alfie's actress girlfriend, Jaime Winstone, to the stage as "my very soon to be sister-in-law." Winstone, who hasn't yet, announced her engagement, could be seen telling Lily to ‘shut up, no-one's supposed to know' as she reached the podium.

Lily! Everyone knows you do not insult a bitchy queen in public. Let alone Elton John. He used to scrap with the best of them. Now you will never get an old celebrity godfather for your kids or get to sing on a revised duet of ‘Don't go Breaking My Heart'.

Everyone's drunk too much at one occasion. I don't want to be reminded of most of mine, many of which involved Elton John songs. But while our tried and emotional moments may end up on Facebook, Lily's are seen around the world, captured for posterity for future generations to enjoy. Cringe factor: high.

Sigh! I wish more awards ceremonies were like this one. The Grammys could certainly use it.

She's baaaaaack

It's Britney, bitch! MTV's Video Music Awards take place this weekend and none other than Ms Spears herself has been shoulder tapped to ‘kick off' proceedings. Whether this means a performance or not, we don't know. I would suspect yes. Her manager says unequivocally not. Whatever. She couldn't possibly do worse than last year, when a badly coiffed and bloated Britney tottered round the stage like a zombie miming at a primary school talent show.

Anyway! It's been onwards and upwards since last September, via a dodgy paparazzo boyfriend, several ill-advised weaves and a spell in psychiatric hospital.

This year Britney's nominated for three awards, and sounds psyched about coming back to the spotlight.

"How can I not be there to kick off [MTV's] 25th VMAs?" she said in a statement to Us Weekly. "I'm excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated."

I'll be watching to see what she gets up to. Will you?

Confessions of a diva

Jennifer Lopez, she who is far and away superior to the greatest Olympian of all time, opens up in this month's issue of U.S. Elle magazine. Amongst her profound revelations: that's she more confident, decisive and settled since her marriage to Marc Anthony; that she has an appreciation of 'beautiful' things; and that she took twenty home pregnancy tests (and made her husband do one too!) before she believed she was carrying twins Max and Emme, born in February.

Pregnancy, she says, was an enlightening experience, and she thought of it as "the first time in my life where I'm just going to be a little bit selfish."

Somehow, I believe the self-named ‘Jenny From The Block' might have been partial to putting herself first more than once or twice before.

Spotted

Cameron Diaz, Kim Cattrall and Star Jones all loved up in the stands at the US Open (not together!)...Jessica Alba grabbing lunch to go in Hollywood after a doctor's appointment...Katie Price, launching her new equestrian accessories collection while wearing pink velour hot pants in London...The Mighty Boosh's fab Noel Fielding and Dave Grohl leaving Bungalow 8 nightclub in London...Geri Halliwell throwing out the first pitch at an LA Dodgers game in California...