But the latest rumours that the Gloved One has been having, gasp, dates (that's shocking enough!) with none other than Pamela Anderson (gasp gasp!) is almost enough to make me fall off my office chair. Luckily I have the reflexes of a cat.

I'm not one to exaggerate, but Oh. My God.

The rumour, which must be a falsie, claims Pam and Michael spotted on a hush hush date in a Malibu, California. The pair, who reportedly have a mutual admiration of each other and an obvious shared love of plastic surgery, shared some drinks at the hotel bar and were seen out again getting coffee just days later.

"They chatted about Michael turning 50, his new album, their kids," reports English tabloid The Daily Mirror. "And he seemed genuinely interested in Pamela."

Eeek! I must disprove. And my arguments are thus:

A) The chances of Michael Jackson fancying a real, live woman with such huge bosoms are slim;
B) Michael Jackson drinks Jesus Juice, not coffee;
C) I suspect the pair's, er, appetites may be slightly mismatched. Michael is pretty much asexual. Pam was married to Tommy Lee, for God's sake!
D) What would Tommy Lee say if MJ ended up being his kids' stepfather?

The XXX Files

Latest word is that David Duchovny's sexual indiscretions which led to him being committed to rehab last week are of the virtual, not physical nature.

Despite whispers that Duchovny was philandering about town behind the back of long-term wife Tea Leoni, word is Duchovny's problem is with internet porn. Apparently the X Files star would spend hours in X-rated chat rooms and on porn sites, prompting him to seek help.

The star reportedly issued a statement about his ‘sexual addiction' when there was a threat of his presence in rehab being leaked to the press.

"It's the sex equivalent of a gambling addiction, where the person is just hopelessly trapped in chat rooms," a source close to the actor told Fox news.

So Tea Leoni can rest assured her husband wasn't actually doing the nasty with other women, but she has to deal with the thought of him choking the chicken in front of strangers on the internet? Ewwwwww.

Do you think that's on her birth certificate?

In news you didn't expect today, word has filtered out that Gossip Girl star Leighton Meester, who plays Park Avenue princess Blair Waldorf, has spent some time behind bars! In utero, that is.

Perez Hilton is reporting that Leighton was born in prison while her mother served time in a Texan federal facility for her part in a drug running ring. Newborn Leighton and her mama were excused to a nearby halfway house for three months of mother-daughter bonding before the baby was carted off to relatives and her mother sent back to the chokey.

Word is Leighton's dad, grandfather and aunt have all served time for drug offences. That certainly wouldn't go down well at Constance Billiard School for Girls!

Can I just say that against my better judgment I love, love, love Gossip Girl, and I know I'm not the only person on the wrong side of 18 to do so!

Caught on tape

Call me out on this, but there's something about Josh Hartnett that I just find a little sort of, well, unsanitary. He looks like he smells of French cigarettes, B.O. and last night's Indian food.

This could well be because I just loathe the maybe sort of facial hair that the actor currently sports. The wispy fuzz. The half mo. My theory on facial hair for guys is this: If you're not gonna grown the Magnum P.I. mo or the Grizzly Adams beard, or you can't, then don't grow any. I don't want to see little goatees or tufts about the place. And as for the Craig David-esque facial hair stylings, forget about it! But I digress.

Bottom line is I used to see the heart throb potential in Josh Hartnett, maybe, if you took a time machine back ten years. Now, looking at him makes me want to block my nose. Which is why I can't quite understand how he gets so many hot chicks.

The man's dated Scarlett Johansson and been linked to Sienna Miller, Penelope Cruz and Helena Christensen. He's obviously got some kind of mojo working. I'm presuming this is what an unnamed London lady must have been under the influence of when she slipped into the library of Harnett's exclusive London hotel with the star for a bit of the nasty.

According to the Daily Mirror Hartnett, who's in town for a West End revival of the movie Rain Main, took said lady into the library and started getting bus-ay, without locking the door or making any attempts to hide the pair.

Thing is, Big Brother's always watching in London. The pair's entire romp was caught on the hotel's CCTV system and security apparently watched the whole thing, from whoa to go. No one made a move to go and break up the party, mind.

How English!

"After the event, someone had a quiet word in Josh's ear and he was asked to take his personal business elsewhere in future," a source told the paper.

"Josh took it on the chin and didn't kick up a fuss. He's been as good as gold since."
Gah! There's one security tape I hope never sees the light of day.

Spotted

Rafael Nadal attending a performance of Phantom of the Opera at New York's Majestic Theatre...Sienna Miller leaving a London hotel wearing boyfriend Balthazar Getty's gold Rolex...Cameron Diaz out in New York's West Village with model boyfriend Paul Sculfor...Victoria Beckham flogging her new perfume at a Manchester department store...Matthew McConaughey, Camila Alves and baby son Levi at the Human Race 10km run in Austin, Texas...Gavin Rossdale hanging out with son Kingston on Malibu Beach...