Cue some ominous music and a shifty looking guy twirling a skinny moustache! Woman's Day leads with the intriguing headline of ‘Posh: The secret deal holding her marriage together.' What could it be? Thou shalt not bring full-fat food into the house? That David shall not shout when one of Victoria's bony extremities pokes him while he's sleeping?

None of the above! Although both would be possible.

Apparently David and Victoria have decided to adopt a much-longed for baby girl instead of trying for another Beckham baby.

The couple's 'huge effort' to get pregnant apparently involved them trying twice for a few weeks at a time. Now, I've never birthed a baby and I'm no fertility doctor - but that seems a bit lazy. Even I suspect there's a bit more effort involved than a few half-hearted stabs (pardon the pun) at it. Surely making sexy times with David Beckham can't be that much of a chore?

David likes the sound of (but probably can't spell) Sierra Leone as the place to find his potential new daughter, and "feels like Posh owes it to him to let him choose what country the baby comes from."

Don't take the Day's advice, Dave. They report that ‘Africa' is one of the easier countries to adopt from.

Prepare your eyeballs for a pink overload! They'll recoil from the sickly sweet colour overload in little Stella McDermott's nursery, seen in the Woman's Day. Mummy Tori (Hoary) Spelling and bespecled daddy, Dean McDermott, have gone super sweet for their second born. The baby's cute, but I keep getting distracted by Tori's fugly mug.

Where would our week be without the latest on the unofficial queen of unlucky love lives, Miss Jennifer Aniston? This week the Day runs with a story on Jen's ‘quiet revenge' on ex John Mayer after their weekend break up.

How quiet? Pretty quiet. She got a new hair that looks like her old hairdo. She sure showed him.

Which begs the question: if an ageing TV actress takes quiet revenge in a forest and nobody cares, does it make a sound?

Word is she's calling her ex-mother-in-law, Jane Pitt, to be consoled after the end of her romance, and, awkwardly, Brad ended up getting on the phone. Cringe factor: high! Imagine! It'd go a little something like this...

Brad: "What's up dollface, how are doin'? Oh yeah, dumped. Man, I've got six kids, a big ass French mansion and a hot missus. When did your luck run out?"

Jen: "Waaaaah!"

Anyway, the mag wants you to know she's doing super super well and isn't, as my beloved Tim Gunn, called her last week, the ‘D' word. As in desperate. Which doesn't really make sense when you read the quote below.

"Everything Jen did in the Big Apple was calculated to send a message to John...she wants to mark his territory as hers."

I'm hoping she didn't mark territory the way it's normally done. Is that what Paula Radcliffe was doing in Beijing?

Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin! Sorry, train of thought and that. It is mid-afternoon. Rumer Willis, who has no hair on her chin, spills about life growing up as a celebrity child. Apparently it's not all sunshine and lollipops.

The actress reveals she "looked like a little gay Jewish boy" growing up. I didn't know Jay Leno was Jewish!

Rumie wanted to be a lawyer or a doctor, because she "really likes watching medical shows." Um, I like watching Coronation Streetbut that doesn't mean I want to be an overweight Mancunian working in a knicker factory.

In the Woman's Weekly Kate Middleton's being referred to at chez Liz and Phil as ‘the Kate problem.'

The Queen, to put it frankly, isn't keen on Kate's lazy ass ways and wants her to get a job rather than frittering her time away on Caribbean yachts. Spoilsport. What's the point of having a prince for a boyfriend if you can't bunk off in style?

"The Queen has privately suggested Kate should get involved with a charity to counter the potentially damaging public perception that she only wants to socialize and shop.'

One doesn't want to be mistaken for a footballer's wife, does one?

"Strangers in the niiiiight...." So is the life of an Olympic champion. Paul Holmes and wife Deborah go blue in support of prostate cancer awareness on the front of the New Idea, and the Weekly takes a look ‘Inside the private life of Mike Hosking.' I'm interested in the private lives of many people. Mike Hosking is not one of them.

Fergie and Princess Beatrice look anything but happy in the Day while out running on vacation in southern Spain. I understand. Working out on vacation is a totally foreign concept to me! I might lift a margarita or doggy paddle round the pool. Those cocktail glasses are pretty damn heavy.

Nicole Kidman, according to the Weekly, is suffering a tinge of the overachieving mama syndrome. Two months after giving birth she weighs five kilos less now than before she got pregnant and is ruthless in her determination to be the perfect mother. She's only getting four hours sleep a night and doesn't want to miss any of Sunday's waking moments.

Watch out Marcia Cross! Sounds like Nic's aiming for the role of the A-list's Bree Van Der Kamp.

Keely Shaye Smith, who you know as Mrs Pierce Brosnan, is flaunting her curvy figure in the Weekly and boldly declares she has no intention of doing a Kirstie Alley and signing up to push a weight loss regime.

"She's married to one of the biggest stars in the world, she has two gorgeous sons and she wakes up every day feeling good about herself. Why should she face the humiliation of appearing on Oprah in a bikini?"

Amen, lady. Now go have a roast dinner with your hot husband, and throw a plate Nicole Kidman's way while you're at it.

And that's all from the mags this week!