Celebrity love woes aren't just restricted to Beverly Hills, you know. Across America, there's trouble in trailer park paradise! Trashy American mag In Touch (and I mean it in the truest sense of the word, their stories are almost never right) has landed a tell-all interview with Kelli Dawson, who says she's been making sexy times with Jamie Lynn Spears' fiancé, Casey Aldridge, for quite some time.

28-year-old Kelli (eeek! Cradle snatcher) and 19-year-old Casey met through friends and she fell for him when Casey pulled out his smooth teenage moves on her. Maybe he should have pulled out further down the line too, getting 16-year-old girlfriend Jamie Lynn pregnant last year.

"He totally instigated it and pursued me," says Kelli. "His friends would tell me that he liked me, that he thought I was pretty."

Girl,you got Punk'd! It's just that Ashton Kutcher couldn't come out and break the news to you. He was laughing so hard when you fell for the line about being puhr-ty. Kelli looks like a 38-year-old mother of five who makes ends meet down at Tyrone's Titty Shack.

Basically they've been doing the nasty for the last 18 months of Casey and Jamie's relationship, only stopping in March because the birth of baby daughter Maddie was looming. "Even after we stopped having sex, we would still kiss occasionally."

Wow. Their scope of their romance makes Paul and Linda McCartney look like Heidi and Spencer in comparison.

Sigh! Jamie Lynn. We all thought Britney was the one with the drama. First, make sure you're clear of the cooties down under. Then kick his ass out. You've got the odds stacked against you enough getting married at 17, without getting married to a pipe layer with busy hands and a wandering wanger.

 

Diddy makes a dick of himself

Speaking of wangers (and I always am!) P.Diddy apparently likes to get diddly with it. When an American mag asked him which Olympic event he'd be a gold medal winner at, the Diddster didn't need time to think.

"Who could have sex the longest," he said without hesitation. "I think that's an event I can do well in. And probably who could stay up the longest. Just so you know, that's supposed to be funny. Even though I am serious."

With lines like that, Diddy wouldn't be competing in any pairs events.

 

Contain your shock and dismay

All together now! "Memmoorrrriiiiiieeeeesss, like the corners of my mind."

She was so jinxed from the start. Right now Jennifer Aniston is probably hugging her pillow, listening to ‘Waiting For The World To Change' on repeat on her iPod and throwing darts at her portable Angelina Jolie dart board. Maybe when she perks up a bit she'll have a banana liqueur and dance around the lounge to ‘I Will Survive.' God, I hate that song. I may have been born in the 70s, but think I came out of the womb with an aversion to disco.

That's right folks! John Mayer has dumped Jennifer Aniston after a four month romance, which pretty much consisted of him working and her following him around. The couple haven't been snapped together in three weeks, and the consensus is that all her talk of domestic bliss and breeding turned him right off. I mean, hello! The guy is 30, and well known for his love of water sports. And I don't mean water polo.

What made her think that after four months that John Mayer was ready to play house? Aiaiaiai. Although the romance could have been doomed from the start. Word is that Jen's pooch, Norman, hated Mayer from the get go. Maybe Norman could smell the scent of lame rock music on John and didn't like what he sniffed.

Aniston is great mates with Oprah. Couldn't the big O hook her up with some quality love advice? Or Jen could just go on the down low and hook up with Stedman. Her clean shaven exes haven't worked out too well for her - maybe she has to try out a Moustachio.

 

Paris avoids the media, pigs fly

Prepare yourselves. It could be a sign that the apocalypse is nigh, but Paris Hilton may actually have standards. I know, I'm scared too. Hold me!

Paris is being sued by the makers of her 2006 ‘movie' (not my description of the thing!) National Lampoon's Pledge This. In the movie, Paris plays a rich and popular sorority girl in a ‘raunchy' comedy about ‘sexy' co-eds. Yes, that's the entire plot line.

These schmos paid Hilton a million dollars to star in the flick which only made $1.5m around the world. For that chunk of cash Paris was supposed to provide her acting expertise and all the promotional duties expected of a movie star.

Only thing is, even Paris could see what a turd the movie was and refused to do any publicity at all for the flick, prompting the movie's producers to sue her for damages. That's right. Paris Hilton avoided publicity.

Incidentally, if you're ever tempted to get National Lampoon's Pledge This out at the video store, don't. Contributors to movie review site Rottentomatoes.com gave their opinions on the flick thus:

"A movie which gives new meaning to the term ‘endurance test" and "another steaming piled of excrement to be cut loose from the bowels of National Lampoon."