I don't see the big deal about Matthew 'T-Rex arms' McConaughey wanting to bury his son's placenta in an orchard and produce great fruit trees. Buried placentas are a dime a dozen in good old NZ, right?

It's not like he said he was planning on eating it, like Tommy Girl Cruise did when Suri was born in 2006. I don't doubt for a second he fried that thing up with a side of Xenu juice to wash it down. A shame. If only he'd done some research, Tom could have gone here and found recipes for roast placenta and placenta lasagne among others. I kid you not.

But seriously, I think Matthew M might be in line behind Will Smith to become the next Tom Cruise. That damn hippy doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut. And spare a though for his lady, young Brazilian model Camila Alves.

Not only did she end up going through a sixty hour labour before ending up having a Caesarean anyway (that'd really rip my knickers!), but for the majority of that McConaughey played the bongos in time with her contractions. Oh. My. God. "We got tribal on it, we danced to it!" said the whacked out movie star. Ever supportive, Matt offered his missus supportive gems like "don't let the contractions be more than you."

Horrid, horrid, horrid!

Now I have never given birth, but you can bet your asses that if anyone (anyone!) comes near me while I am in the midst of springing forth the fruit of my loins and attempts to get all tribal on it, I will rip their head off. Or break their bong. That'd probably have upset Matthew more.

 

Who's the grown up, exactly?

What is it with the parents of young Hollywood stars these days? First there's Dina Lohan. Enough said. Then Nikki Blonsky's dad is banged up in the Caribbean for beating up a woman. Now Alan Panettiere, the father of Heroes star Hayden Panettiere, has been arrested for spousal abuse.

Word is Alan and Hayden's mum, Lesley, were quite well lubricated after getting home from a do at Eva Longoria Parker's restaurant Beso, which they attended with their famous daughter. Apparently Lesley was ‘disrespecting' Alan at the bash, so he gave her the old Jake Heke with a couple of pops to the face. She called the cops. He got arrested. Then bailed out. Now they've been spotted out walking together in Hollywood, seemingly happy as larry. Maybe she cooked him some eggs afterwards.

Alan Panettiere told reporters the whole thing was "blown out of proportion."

With stage families like these, what child stars need enemies?

 

What not to do: Parenting with Lynne Spears 101

And in the ‘do as I say, not as I do' file of stage mothers, Lynne Spears' book ‘Through The Storm" A Real Story of Fame and Family in A Tabloid World' is set to be released in the US in September. Lynne is credited as the mother of Jamie Lynn, Bryan and Britney Spears. Sad, cause no one really gives a hoot about Bryan, although by most accounts he's the Spears child least famous, and accordingly least damaged.

It's a memoir, Lynne's publisher blabs, not a parenting guide. Which is good, because unless there's some mummies out there wanting to pimp out their kids to the cameras, rob them of their childhoods, have them marry a couple of douchebags and get knocked up at 16 or have a complete psychiatric meltdown, their wouldn't be much demand for parenting Lynne style.

Way to go there, Lynnie.

 

Hef goes to the dark side

Could there be a catfight on the cards amongst the menagerie kept at the Playboy mansion? Word is, according to the National Enquirer, (hey, they were right about John Edwards!) another exotic creature has caught Hef's ever-wandering eye, in the form of an exotic Ukrainian brunette by the name of Dasha.

A brunette, I hear you say! Yeah, well, a change is as good as the rest. And it's not like Holly, Kendra and Bridget aren't a dirty shade of brown under all that bleach anyway.

Apparently the old perv has taken quite a shine to Dasha, who's competing to become the cover model for Playboy's New Year's issue. Hef's been watching her photo shoots, holding her hand, and generally making nice the way an 82-year-old lover lover can. I wonder if she had to run the Keith gauntlet first? Shudder.

The girls are said to be worried that the brunette could be made a permanent part of life at the mansion, but if I were them I wouldn't worry my empty little head about it. Holly will get the white peacocks to peck out her eyes long before any of that happens.