Behold! The big news in gossip mags this week comes courtesy of New Idea, with 16 pages of the precious new Jolie-Pitt twins and associated siblings. I'd like to tell you they were uninterrupted, but the spread is riddled with ads for various baby paraphernalia. Merely a piffle, though, when it comes to glossy shots of those gorgeous, gorgeous kids. Swoon! Oh, and a couple of old timers by the names of Angelina and Brad. They're alright.

Photos of Shiloh and Zahara, their nails painted like big girls, with those babies will just melt your hearts of stone. Dunno what it'll do if you're actually soft-hearted anyway. Possibly turn it to mush.

Fraternal twins Vivienne and Knox are just beautiful, although I'm sure that goes without saying. Little Vivienne has her mother's famous lips and Knox, daddy Brad reports, "looked like Vladimir Putin" when he was born. Somehow I doubt that.

In the accompanying article the superstar pair reveal that they want more kids, feeding time at the zoo gets a little crazy, and there's no stopping their international do-gooding.

Maddox is rocking a blue Mohawk, and Pax has some blondey highlights around the face. I'd like to know how they got a four and a seven year old boy to sit still long enough to get their hair dyed - and I know they're liberal parents, but is that really the business?

And why is Pax wearing a shirt with no tie in one shot? Are they growing up emo? I tried to look for traces of guyliner, but to no avail. And it doesn't look like he's using the straightening irons just yet. I'll keep you posted.

What can you really do in the face of the Jolie-Pitt juggernaut? Woman's Day valiantly tries to compete with a cove featuring the pair's old foe, Jennifer Aniston, and a headline trumpeting ‘Now I'm Having A Baby.' Jen. There may be an angry knot burning in the pit of your stomach, but that's not a baby. It's jealousy.

It doesn't actually say that she's pregnant. And they call John Mayer ‘John Meyer' in the intro. It's the same old Jen and John crud in all the mags. Wake me up when something actually happens with those two!

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have brought baby daughter Sunday Rose home to Oz, and not without a hullabaloo. OK! reports on the pair being home on the streets of Sydney and in the accompanying picture a reporter's looking at Nicole Kidman with unbridled glee, like she's the last Tim Tam in the packet or something.

Weekend at Bernie's! I don't know if it was the weekend when the Weekly visited Bernice Mene and Dion Nash to photograph their beautiful new baby, India, but I just wanted to bring up that movie. There should be more movies with a corpse in them for comedy value. One that wears sunglasses.

I saw Bernice Mene at the supermarket a few months ago when she was well pregnant. She looked great then, and she looks great now. Congrats, you two!

See! I can say nice things.

Cue the X-Files music! OK! leads this week with baby mysteries of our time. Hence some juicy topics like why didn't Tom and Nicole have biological kids? How do skinny Minnie actresses get knocked up? And why is adoption so easy for rich people?

Zahara J-P and Henry Klum Samuel may be my favourite ever celeb kids, but I've gotta say that I love, love, love the spread in the Day of Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise down at the park in New York. Don't get me started again on Katie's jeans. Y'all know my thoughts on those, particularly since her publicist claims they're Tom's.

Anyway, despite looking angelic Suri seems to be well and truly ensconced in the terrible twos. When Katie tries to get Suri's blanket off her, girlfriend gives it to her both barrels! Brilliant. Scientologists reckon they can get someone off heroin, but they seem to have no solution for a toddler's tantrum.

The Day and the Weekly are both running Holmes pregnancy stories, and I must say for someone that's normally whippet thin that is a suspicious looking belly bulge. Only time will tell, so keep your eyes peeled!

Aussie actress Sophie Monk is ‘snapped' in some suspiciously posed looking paparazzi photos on the beach in Malibu in OK! Since splitting with Benji Madden and a rumoured dalliance with Ryan Seacrest, Sophie's been spotted kissing Adam Levine in LA. Sophie, everyone's kissed Adam Levine. He's what's known as a M-A-N W-H-O-R-E.

Another Levine fling, Jessica Simpson, is in the news again with rumours of a wedding to footballing beau Tony Romo in OK! I'm always rooting for Jess - despite seeming to be a bit of a scatterbrain, she seems sweet. But then she goes and does things that make it so hard for you to actually like her.

Case in point: Jess is keen to tie the knot with boyfriend Tony and now "drops hints and leaves bridal magazines around the house, hoping he sees them."

Buying those mags before you're engaged is strange enough, but leaving them round the house? Muy lame, Jess. Tres lame. Very, very lame. I'm that mortified by the lame quotient of this that I've had to repeat myself in three languages.

Balthazar Getty relaxes in OK! at his family's Italian home - bad timing considering he's in the news for anything but his acting at the moment. The Brothers and Sisters star talks about the part he's landed in a new horror flick Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds. Is he sure that's a horror flick? Cause it sounds like a porno.

Getty and his scarlet woman Sienna Miller have just been snapped dining out in Malibu together, despite reports in the New Idea that Balthazar has been begging his wife to take him back. Word in the Day is Rosetta Getty she thinks the Sienna situation is due to her husband relapsing into his drink and drug addiction. Sienna vs Rosetta! Mrs Getty has a lot of clout and some very high falootin' friends in Tinseltown. Pretty, twenty-something blondes are a dime a dozen there. Who'll come out on top?

And finally, a gross out for your troubles. Check out the Woman's Day for a creepy photo of Woody Allen checking out Scarlett Johansson's hooters, in public. He's 72, she's 23. Shudder! Not a good look with your history, old timer.

And that's all from the mags this week!