If you're feeling charitable this week, spare a thought for wee Katie Holmes. Sure, she may be famous and loaded, but she also has to carry the burden of a maniacal large-toothed husband, mothering Scientology's promised one, and wearing a rather disturbing pair of rolled jeans in New York last week. One of you could have told me it was Hammer time for the second time around.

If that's not enough to bear, the New Idea reports that Katie has spent her entire marriage living with her mother-in-law as well as Tom's sister and her two sons. Granted, their house has about 100 bedrooms (actually seven, I exaggerate), but this is not a recipe for success.

Can anyone say ‘mummy issues?'

Tom's mama Mary Lee "frequently tags along on family outings and showers Katie with advice on raising two year old daughter Suri."

What kind of husband lets that drag on? The Tommy Girl kind.

Woman's Weekly runs this week with ‘the jealousy that's tearing Katie apart.' While New Idea says Tom's pressuring Katie to have another baby, and she's resisting, the Weekly says she's told Tommy Girl that she's ready, fuelled on by Nicole Kidman's recent delivery of daughter Sunday Rose. Smells like someone's jealous of the previous Mrs Cruise!

One reason Katie wants another baby, apparently, is the lingering thought that she didn't do her first pregnancy ‘in style.' This is true. Not that I'm the flag-waving representative for stylish pregnancy. I'm sure if I do get knocked up I will be living out my days in jandals and stretchy gym pants, struggling to contain my expanding ass, while shouting for Regan to bring me bonbons. What I remember of Katie's pregnancy was bodysuits (another blast from the early 90s past!) lots of big white shirts, and a girl whose frazzled factor was through the roof.

"If she gets pregnant again," the Weekly reports, "look for her to set a new standard in pregnancy chic."

Britney Spears has been taking some R&R in Mexico recently and damn, girlfriend is looking good! OK! reports her newly trimmed down figure is a result of some dedicated working out and "almost completely cut out her favourite frozen pizzas, Doritos, Cheetos, McDonald's and sugary Starbucks calorie-bombs."

Calorie bombs! Damn those sweet frappuccinos. I think Starbucks coffee is rubbish but they're the only thing at Starbucks that is actually any good. Cold, syrupy, overpriced goodness. Roll on summer!

Britney's still rocking the bellybutton ring, but with a newly svelte midsection like that, she can totally work it.

Meanwhile NW reports that the real reason Britney gave up her claim on full custody of her boys was the fact that she's a 'hopeless mum.' Cue more shots of the bikini-clad star, this time with little Sean Preston playing with a pack of Marlboro Lights and mama's lighter.

Apparently our Brit didn't fancy the thought of ex K-Fed spilling all her dirty secrets in a drawn out custody trial.

"She was never really into being a mom anyway," says the mag's source. "Britney's more interested in being a big star than playing with her boys and spending quality time with them."

Seems like there may be trouble in Jolie-Pitt paradise! Angie has dubbed their new French pad 'Chateau Chaos', and the Weekly reports golden big sister Shiloh is not too enamoured with new siblings Knox and Vivienne, shouting at them "babies go home!"

Have you seen the one picture online of the Chosen Ones? You can barely get a good peek at Brad and Angie's new twins, but already for casting my eyes upon them I feel all my Monday morning woes have been lifted from my shoulders. Or could that be cause it's now Monday afternoon?

The Woman's Day reports that Victoria Beckham is putting on weight, packing on a whopping 4kg lately. Not much for us mere mortals, but that's probably about 10 per cent of Posh's body weight. The former Spice Girl has adopted a healthier eating plan and ditched her boozy ways after hubby David told her being a drunk old ho who lunches all day doesn't become her. That's not exactly what he said. But I'm sure it's what he meant.

"Leaving restaurant Il Sole, the singer looked tired and emotional, even needing the help of hubby David to prop her up," the mag reports of one of Vic's recent outings. That old chestnut! Tired and emotional, eh? I too was ‘tired and emotional' on Saturday after several pints, a couple of Limoncellos and a Jagermeister. Tired and emotional means plastered, people. Just like being admitted to the hospital for ‘exhaustion' and ‘dehydration' is code for a drug ‘thing'.

If you want to see what Victoria would look like without the designer clothes, the expensive hair extensions and with a bit of meat on her bones, check out her sister Louise in the Day.

‘Is Wills Marrying His Mum?' asks the New Idea with a picture of Waitey Katie Middleton on the cover.

Let us compare.

Kate has a black hat. Diana had a black hat. Kate has parents. Diana had parents. Both sets of said parents aren't short of a bob or two. And both liked to work out due to lack of gainful employment. That seems about the sum of it.

The New Idea has Peter Andre complaining that despite being married to the ‘sexiest woman alive' the pair ‘haven't had sex for six months.' Do you really want to know about Peter and Jordan's sex life? I'd compare it to looking underneath the Band-Aid to check how a manky infection is healing. You know it's gonna look, and possibly smell funny, and it'll be revolting, but you want to sneak a peek just the same. Then you're sorry you did.

Those two going at it would be all fake tan, two big boobs, an industrial trowel load of makeup and plenty of greasy hair product. And that's just Peter!

Stories on the Christian Bale biffo run in the various mags this week, spilling on how the Batman actor lost his shit in an argument with his sister and mother in London. Apparently their demands for him to give them money didn't go down too well.

New Idea says five years ago Bale was struggling financially and "barely earning enough to support his wife Sibi, 37, and daughter Emmaline, 3." I'm no maths genius, but surely he wouldn't have had to worry about supporting a three year old five years ago? She would have been but a twinkle in Batman's codpiece.

I never picked Prince Charles to be one to read the gossip mags or check out the E! channel, but maybe one needs to keep up on one's entertainment current affairs. I bet Chelsy could give him some pointers!

Awkwardness ensued when Charles met Dita Von Teese at a recent polo event, the Weekly reports. When the curvy burlesque lady told him she was a dancer for a living, the Prince asked her to perform at Harry's 24th birthday - unawares the classy lady he met at the polo would be wearing no more than a couple of nipple pasties and a thong.

I'm sure one prince would have been rather amused, though. Odds on Harry would have loved it.

And that's all from the mags this week!