I've got a confession to make. While on holiday I bought Christopher Ciccone's tell-all book on his famous sibling, Life With My Sister Madonna. I wasn't even ashamed. Still not! Even if those guys behind the counter at Paper Plus may have silently judged me on the way out.

I also read Nicole Richie's 'novel' once, but couldn't bring myself to part with any money for that. Even I have standards.

Christopher has been in the media spotlight in the last couple of weeks as he made the rounds to flog said book. Hardcore Madonna fans are saying it's a load of lies concocted by a bitter sibling. He says it's finally the truth about his famous sister by one of the people that knows her best.

And this may well be the case, with rumours coming out of New York yesterday that not only may Madonna have okayed Christopher's dirty dish on her life, despite official word to the contrary, the Material Girl herself may have ghost written a chapter or two.

Granted, the book is a good read for Madonna fans and lovers of the smut. But it's not incredibly harsh on Madonna, neither does it give you much juicy stuff that you wouldn't have expected from within its pages. Sure, she comes across as impersonal, rather rude, and completely subscribed to the belief that the world revolves around her. But hell, that could describe anyone in Hollywood. And would she really be the superstar she is today without that focus?

I believe most of what Christopher's written. He does come off as bitter, although I'm sure life in the shadow of Madonna isn't an easy one. Just ask Guy Ritchie. But the Material Girl isn't close to any of her family and Christopher worked as her dresser, her dancer and her interior designer throughout the years before their relationship disintegrated in spectacular style due to her marriage to Guy Ritchie (he says) or Christopher's drug and alcohol problems (she says).

So what's the gospel according to Christopher? Gwyneth 'Yes, I am better than you' Paltrow comes off in a good light. Madonna's long time pal Ingrid Casareds is portrayed as a pathetic wannabe. He says Courtney Love is pretty much cuckoo. And Guy Ritchie is painted by the younger Ciccone as an immature homophobe.

You Know You're Past Your Prime In Hollywood When...

Shame on Shannen Doherty's name! The nineties hellraiser may be returning to the small screen in the new noughties spin off of 90210 to great excitement amongst fans, but not everyone is so taken by her bitchy Brenda Walsh brand of fabulousness.

Shanny poked her head into a Malibu Sheriff's office this week to complain about the paparazzi on her tail. I too am surprised there's still paparazzi on her tail, but we carry on regardless, no?

Malibu cops were willing to help a famous actress in need, if they could have seen one. Shannen had them stumped, as no one in the place had the foggiest who she was. The guy on the desk even asked around, to Doherty's embarrassment, but still no takers. She then left in a strop.

Obviously these cops weren't 12 year old girls in 1990.

 

Anyone for some fruitcake? 

I know Hollywood is full of swindlers, shysters and general a-holes, but that Denise Richards really takes the biscuit. Or has the biscuit offered to her but bitch slaps it out of your hand because she's watching her weight.

In news that comes as a surprise to none of us, Denise's turd of a reality show, It's Complicated, isn't doing so well in the ratings. What's an attention-seeking, gold-digging ex-wife to do?

Denise's plan of attack was to pull her girl's daddy, Charlie Sheen, into an emergency court hearing in Los Angeles - and tried to invite reporters into the judge's chambers to record every word.

You'd think Charlie would be used to these sorts of shenanigans by now - although word is during the custody hearing Denise implied that Sheen was molesting their two young daughters, Sami and Lola.

That, my friends, is some messed up shit.

Read my thoughts on Denise's lame-o reality show here.

I almost feel sorry for her long-suffering and seemingly normal Dad, Irv. Free Irv!

 

Portugal 1, Paris 0 

My skank radar has been awfully underutilised lately, with Paris Hilton laying low in Hollywood and acting all loved up with The Other Madden Twin, Benji. Or is she?

Gossipmonger Ted Casablancas reports that Paris was fluttering her wonky eyelashes out in LA last week at one visiting hunk of Eurocheese, Portuguese footballer and rampant metrosexual Cristiano Ronaldo.

Ronaldo's a great footballer with a penchant for hair product and taking his shirt off. Yeah, I read that back and it does sound a lot like David Beckham, but if the Versace loafer fits! Ronaldo's just so damn greasy. Every time I see a photo of him I just want to dab him with a Handee towel.

Anyway, big ups to our shiny, overtanned friend! Word is he wasn't the least bit interested in succumbing to the Hilton "charm" and after a while of him blanking her she got the hint and slunk back to her seat. Apparently she's a bit over playing nice with Benji and is keen on getting her claws into another Euro-fabulous bad boy, a la previous paramours Paris 'Lactose' Latsis and Stavros 'Nachos' Niarchos.

Yes, I have food on the brain. All this talk of Eurocheese has made me think of brie and camembert.