They say a leopard never changes its spots, but in Shane Warne's case it's probably a leopard print thong. New Idea declares 'Simone and Shane's Shock Split' after the spin bowler and his wife reconciled late last year, but calling it a shock is a bit rich. It may be many things, but it's no shock. Was Simone the only one surprised?

'This time it's really over' the ex-Mrs Warne tells New Idea over the text scandal which broke last week.

Simone, at home in Melbourne, got a text from her beloved in England that was meant for someone else. 'Hey beautiful, I'm just talking to my kids, the back door's open.' I'm hoping it's the back door of his house.

And the plot thickens! Woman's Day has a story of a most unlikely couple - Warnie and posh society girl Jemima Khan. They say the text was to her. We say bollocks.

We know she likes her a cricket player or two, but somehow a bleached blond buffoon with hair plugs and a penchant for pies is not what I imagine Jemima settling for.

It's a veritable Tom and Katie fest in the mags this week as the couple still lurk around Germant. They're not nearly as much fun as that other German fest, Oktoberfest. Maybe Tom and Katie should get down there and sink a couple of steins - might loosen them up.

'Katie Stands Her Ground' blares the Woman's Day, which doesn't sound like the case at all. Tom wants to know what she's saying on the phone, banned her from a trip to New York's Fashion Week with best mate Victoria Beckham, and doesn't like the way she holds their daughter.

He sounds like such a catch.

Katie is snapped roaming the streets of Berlin in shades of white, taupe and grey, in pleated trousers and shirts reminiscent of a sixty year old man in middle management, with an old lady haircut. She. Is. A. 28. Year. Woman. And starting to scare me slightly.

Have your lunch before you read up on what New Idea has on the pair, which is Tommy Boy suggesting Scientology sex therapy. He suggested it to Nicole Kidman apparently, and she told him in no uncertain terms what she thought of it.

"She feels she had to go along with this because if Tom wants to do it then there must be something she is doing wrong - or something he wants to be doing that is not currently part of their sex life."

Shudder.

David Beckham obviously has too much time on his hands - according to the Women's Weekly he will be designing costumes for the upcoming Spice Girls world tour.

Which sounds good in theory, until the girls try to put them on backstage and find a sleeve where the head hole should be.

There's a biology lesson in the NW this week, with Angelina and Brad attempting to add another kid to their swag. Pregnancy rumours were apparently just that, rumours.

"Her doctor has told her that the only way to [get pregnant] is if she starts ovulating."

Hopefully this is not news to Angie.

But if the Day is to be believed there might not be any more Jolie-Pitts at all after Angie sprung Brad ogling pics of his ex, Jennifer Aniston, in a skimpy bikini on vacation and gave him what for.

He is now banned from uttering his ex-wife's name. So woe betide him if he ever meets someone else called Jennifer for the rest of his natural life.

Jessica Simpson's new movie is so bad it's not even been deemed good enough for a straight to DVD release - it's going for sale on US home shopping network QVC.

Give me a minute here, would you? Ahahahahahahahahaha.

Mel B's maid has sold her story, claiming the Spice Girl is an awful mother. On top of that "she is obsessed with her image and staying skinny." Er, she must mean getting skinny. Mel B has a great body but that girl is not skinny by any stretch - there's so much junk in the trunk she could be a station wagon.

In the 'Shut Up!' files, NW suggests Paris Hilton may be two-timing her Swedish tourist toy boy with her new co-star, 68-year-old actor Paul Sorvino. That's right. Sixty eight. Two years below seventy. Although it hasn't been all sunshine and lollipops for the skank, I mean heiress, and her hunk of Swede as they cruised around LA in her car.

"The spunk in question didn't look pleased to be snapped, although that could have been because the heiress insisted on playing her ill-fated album at full volume in the car."

What's a girl to do when she finds herself $250,000 in debt at a high-stakes poker game? If you're Pamela Anderson, the answer seems to be pay it off with sexual favours. The "crotch for cash" transaction in NW has found Pam besotted with part-time pornographer Rick Salomon.

"He said if I made out with him I could clear the thing. It's so romantic," Pam declared on a recent TV show. Romance, prostitution. To-may-to, to-mah-to.

And that's all from the mags this week!