They can be a let down, these women's mags. Teased with a picture of butter-wouldn't-melt royal ex Kate Middleton and a headline blaring 'Kate Middleton's Sex Orgy Scandal' one would expect tawdry tales of an Eyes Wide Shut-style soiree with body parts flying every which way.

Instead, what apparently qualifies as a sex scandal in the New Idea is that a girl in Kate's charity rowing crew part-owns an 'adult' party business. That involves sex, not much scandal, and certainly no Kate. I'll give you a moment to recover from the horrendous shock. The mag drags up a Kiwi in the rowing crew, and even quotes that Kate and her Kiwi mate 'have no involvement in the R18 parties.'

I know it must take a bit of a beating to make rowing sexy, but come on!

More interesting is a story running in both the New Idea and the Woman's Day, with Elle Macpherson's ex Arpad Busson snapped feeling up her buddy Uma Thurman's arse on a New York street.

You couldn't make up the story of Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, one of the many who claimed to have fathered Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn, in the New Idea this week. Prince Frederic von Anhalt claims her was 'kidnapped by sexy models,' stripped naked and handcuffed to the steering wheel of his car.

There were no handcuffs, evidence or witnesses, but there's a picture of the delusional Prince stuck to his steering wheel which you may enjoy. All the more funny that the photographer left him there while he got the humiliating snap. God bless paparazzi!

I don't know about you lot, but news of Jordan's impending vaginal tuck surgery is more than I want to know at any time of the day. "Pete likes me the way I am," says the endearing model who doth declare too much. "But sometimes you're not as tight down there as you'd like afterwards. Sometimes if you cough or sneeze a bit of wee comes out!"

Dear, sweet Jordan. Almost the only body parts of yours we don't know about are your internal organs.

If you feel like a laugh, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have made Victoria Beckham a list of 10 Commandments to help her get the success she so desperately craves in the States. Hopefully it doesn't involve dressing like Katie, who has all the fashion sense of a Remuera matriarch, with the haircut to match.

Tom and Katie, who aren't winning any popularity contests themselves, advise Posh to ‘grow her hair long' and ‘read up on American history'. TomKat also think American women ‘would relate to pictures of her jogging.' With those boobs on that frame? Maybe if American women wanted a touch of comedy.

In Pitt-Jolie watch this week, Woman's Day has Brad begging Angie to go to rehab to deal with her plummeting weight. No one can blame her for grieving after the death of her mother, but give her a beehive and she'd be the spit of Amy Winehouse.

Ironically on the next page, Kirstie Alley has enough weight for her and Angie combined, having stacked on 30kg. Also in need of one of her husband's calorie-laden meals is Jules Oliver, a bit of a Skinny Minnie as she jogs through a London park.

The Women's Weekly has Hollywood's hottest single women bemoaning their romantic status. Well, mostly the hottest. In the case of Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston, Christie Brinkley, Reese Witherspoon and Jessica Simpson, one of these things is certainly not like the others in terms of their celebrity clout. And news the weakest link, Jessica Simpson, wants a baby soon should have most orphans, and their carers, quaking in their boots. After all, who wants a child growing up thinking tuna is chicken?

Chris Cairns and family grace the front of the Women's Weekly after wife Carin and sons Thomas and Bram escaped a house fire while on holiday in Belgium. These two boys are my cutie patooties of the week, and their horrifying tale just reinforces my theory that nothing good can come from holidaying in Belgium.

And that's all from the mags this week!